Happy New Year!!

Goodbye 2012

 

I promise to have some posts up soon... I've been crafting some good ones.  Just need to the time to actually get them finished, there are seiously not enough hours in the day!

 

I hope everyone (all 3 of you that read this) have a wonderful New Year!  Here's to kicking some serious ass in

 

2013!!!

 

 

 



Bling bling

I've been divorced for almost 4 years now and I've been holding on to my wedding ring that entire time. 

I knew I wanted to do something with it, I just didn't know what.  I don't honestly believe my ring, while gorgeous, would be something The Stinker would ever want.  She'll want to pick out her own ring someday.  I also didn't want to take it to the nearest Pawn Shop and hock it for cash. 

The X got my ring at a pretty awesome store here in town.  I recently found out they have a "trade up" program for stones purchased in their store - so with my two besties in tow, away we went!  

Basically I got the actual price The X paid for my diamond to "trade in" on something new.  HOLY SHIT!  I was like a kid in a candy store.  I felt like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.  "I have all this money.... "

So what did I get????  I knew EXACTLY what I wanted.  They usually want you to pick out one single item to trade up for.  Since I know a couple of people that work there I was able to bend the rules a little and pick out two things for the amount they'd given me. 

The first thing I went for was a watch that I've literally wanted since I was about 25 years old.  I have had many fake versions I've purchased in NYC or in the Caribbean/Mexico on cruises, but I've never been able to afford the real thing. 

She's a beauty and I in 100% in love.  It has a smaller face than what I'm used to (hello BIG HUGE man watches I usually wear) but it's gorg non the less.

 

 

 

After that mind blowing experience I headed over to the anniversary band cases.  I picked out a simple anniversary band with 3 rows of diamonds set in white gold.  This is something that the Stinker can hopefully wear for years and years after I'm gone.  It's simple and classic and exactly what I wanted. 

 

Don't look at my old lady hands....

 

 

All in all the whole experience letting go of my beautiful ring was more emotional than I thought it would be.  BUT I now have two pieces of great jewelry that I will treasure forever.     



Comfort

I've been single for quite awhile now... almost a year *gasp*! 

I'm great at the self deprecating humor about my lady bits falling off from non use but I really do wish I had someone in my life.

Weeks like this are the reason I wish I had someone around.  This need actually has nothing to do with my lady parts, I would like to have "a person" who I could go to.  Someone that would listen to me bitch about how unfair life is, or someone who would hold me while I have a good ugly cry on their shoulder. 

Comfort.  That is what I miss most about being single.  Having a person in my life that I can count on no matter what....

What?? I'm still here - kinda

I'm still alive. 

Life has been... well... interesting around here. 

Something I've been thinking about doing for over a year or so started to *almost* come to fruition.  I don't want to jinx anything by opening my big mouth until I know what's going to happen... I'll come back with more deets, I promise!  

I have started working out a lot more and my body hates me.  Getting old fucking sucks.  I had reconstructive surgery on my left ankle about 20 years ago (cheerleading injury - gay) and with all the new activity lately it's been sooo painful.  I signed up for Jazzercise, which I LOVE - must be the old cheerleader in me, ha.  During class my stupid ankle keeps giving out on me which is a Jazzercise FAIL because then I fall down.  Yep.  Hey!  Look at the new fat girl in the back sweating her ass off... well, she fell down so the skinny bitch leading the class can use her microphone thingy to ask if I'm ok which makes EVERYONE in the class turn and look at me.  Awesomesauce. 

My friends kinda suck lately.  I don't even have the energy to go into much detail because I realize I'll sound pathetic and stupid.  Basically my two very best friends have made a new friend who is apparently way cooler than me, so I've been getting the shaft.  Sucks.

The X and I are taking The Stinker to Disneyworld in December.  It's going to be a surprise and we haven't decided yet weather to wake her up the morning of and SURPRISE her or maybe tell her the weekend before.  Either way she's going to shit her pants she'll be so excited.  We are going to have a great time! 

 

Happy Fall everyone! 

Haunting

I found this post on a new blog I came across... The blog is called Curvy Girls and you can check it out here. 

I've always been the curvy girl.  Not necessarily the "fat friend" but usually the "fattEST friend" of the group.  No matter how much I exercise or starve myself I will never be a size 6.  It's just not genetically possible. 

This post (which I've copied below) brought tears to my eyes and explaines EXACTLY how I feel most of the time around my friends.  



"I’ve felt like the fat friend my entire life. Even though, looking back on it now, I would kill to look the way I did in high school, but even then, I was the biggest girl on the cheerleading squad and the one written about on the bathroom wall.

Meredith Ludwig is a big blue pig.

 

I must have had a blue shirt on that particular day. As it turns out, thighs that rub together in high school aren’t very cool.

In order to keep my sanity and not be one of those girls who hated everyone, I developed a self deprecating sense of humor that looks at the world and says, “Do you think it’s funny to make fat jokes about me? OMG! So do I! Let me show you what Spanx look like! I actually invented them my Freshman year of college, and had I known it was marketable to cut the toes out of your pantyhose, I’d be super rich today!”

But the truth of the matter is, unless you are the fat friend in your group, you have no idea how left out you can feel at times simply because of your size.

Sometimes I feel like I’m kept around to make my other friends feel better about themselves. Do you need more motivation to eat a salad and take your daily run? Take a look at me. Don’t worry, I’ll just be sitting here stressing out about my double chin in that photo you tagged of me on Facebook.
Some days it’s easy to be friends with my friends, and some days it’s extremely difficult.

Shopping With You

Can we just shop at places that have both of our sizes? I agree with you. Express has some really cute clothes. Here’s the thing about Express, nothing fits me there. I hate it, but I’m too ashamed to admit this to you. It’s just easier to write it, and hopefully, since I think you really are my friend, you’ll stop asking me to go there.

I also don’t want to share a dressing room. I cannot buy things without trying them on, unless it’s something stretchy. My jeans are more comfortable with stretchy stuff in them, so please stop telling me to get a “regular” pair of jeans.

And I cut the tags out of my suit jackets and coats. This way, when I take them off at work, no one will see that it says size 14 or XL.

Being Your Bridesmaid

Please, please, please do not ask me to be in your wedding. It’s not that I don’t want to be in your wedding, or be shown off to the world as your best friend, but I can’t do it in a short, hot pink, strapless dress. I really cannot wear this dress twelve weeks after I’ve given birth. It takes a minute for my fat-girl body to bounce back. And by a minute, I mean I’m still working on it three years later.
I know I don’t look pretty. I don’t feel pretty. I feel like a whale crammed into a tiny pink dress. And why am I ordering a size 24 dress anyway? What is the deal with wedding dress designers? I’m a pretty solid 14, but the dress shop wants to make sure I have “plenty of room for giant boobs…” as they shout out the dress size for the rest of the bridal party to hear.

You see, I’ll never complain about the tiny dress your size 4 cousin picked for us. I wouldn’t dare. It’s your special day, and a real friend won’t sabotage the best day of your life. I’ll wear the dress (silently) grudgingly, swear off carbs for two months, and cry the morning of your wedding before arriving at the church.

My tears will be justified since at your wedding reception, I will overhear an older girl from our high school say,

Is that Meredith Soleau? Jeez. She blew up!

 

And then I’ll wrap myself in that shawl thing you gave us and drink myself into a stupor. But I’ll do this for you, because we are best friends, and I’ll apologize later when I don’t look as pretty as the rest of the girls in your very expensive photos.

Pictures With You

Picmonkey is my best friend. I can use the “clone” tool like no one’s business.
I want the world to see us when we went to New York City together for that girls weekend, but I can’t stomach my flabby arm next to your skinny arm.
See? All fixed.

Photo courtesy of Lotus.

I beg of you, please don’t tag me on Facebook before I’ve decided if my head is tilted in that special way, in a complete down-shot, so my double chin isn’t visible. And for the love of everything holy, please let me stand in the back of the photo. I want to hide my belly if I can.

Please understand, I’m super self conscious of myself in photos ever since that pink dress wedding. So when I see, “So-and-so has tagged you in a photo on Facebook.” I literally stop whatever I am doing, and run to the computer.

Your computer is not broken. Do not continue to re-tag photos of me that look like this:



This picture is from three years ago, and it still haunts me.

Working Out With You

I finally broke down in your kitchen and balled my eyes out.

I’m fat and I hate myself for it. Look at you. You work out. You deserve to look the way you look. Please take me with you to the gym.

 

You hug me and pet my hair and tell me lies.

You’re not fat, honey. You’re really thin. Almost gaunt. And anyone that says differently is a liar. But you can work out with me. Have you ever tried Spinning? It’s great for any fitness level!

 

I end up loving Spinning, for the first five minutes. And then that small bike seat really starts to hurt my big butt. I really want to stop, but I can’t stop because I don’t want you to think I’m a quitter.

Push through the pain, Meredith!

 

The… bike… I think… I’m… too… my butt…. How much… longer?

 

Meredith! Are you okay over there?! You can’t even talk , and your face is so red! We still have fifty-five more minutes to go!

 

Yes, I actually do feel like I’m dying. Fifty five minutes?! On Friday, when this class meets again, I’ll have plans. It’s basically a survival tactic at this point because again, I am too embarrassed to tell you I cannot do something you can do.

Going Out With You

That new club that opened up downtown; the one with the $20 cover that you never have to pay, and you know I won’t have to pay it if I come as your guest?

I don’t want to go to that club.

I will be the only person there with spanx and a line of back sweat down her red JC Penny dress. 

You, on the other hand, you will be stunning just like you always are. All the boys will buy you drinks, and you’ll be telling them to grab one for me as well.

At this club, I become your DFF (designated fat friend).

It’s not that I require men to buy me drinks. Actually, I’d prefer to buy my own drinks, and I am sure my husband would prefer that as well. It just feels really weird when you keep reminding the guy (who is slobbering all over) that it’s rude to ignore me.

Just let me buy my own drinks.

Let me pay the cover without feeling totally disgusting when you threaten the doorman by saying, “What about Meredith? I don’t go in if she has to pay.”

And know that I appreciate what you’re doing here, I really do, I love you for it. You’re making sure I feel included. But kindly know that sometimes, I sincerely don’t feel comfortable doing the same things you do.

And this isn’t me asking you for a compliment. This is me saying to you,

I know I’m the fat friend. I’m coming to terms with it. You and I don’t have to act like I look like someone I’m not.

 

I know this isn’t your problem, it’s mine. Thank you for being so patient as I sort all of this out."

Thankful Thursday

I'm going to try and do this on a regular basis.  I've been pretty down this week and I really do need to remember how very much I have to be thankful for.

I'm thankful to have a sassy, yet very well behaved little girl compared to a lot of kids I know.  She makes my heart smile and I love her dearly.

I'm thankful that I live in a place where I can enjoy the changing seasons.  Yes - I bitch and moan about winter every freaking year, but when you get right down to it I'd be sad to miss the fall and spring.  I love this time of year. 

I'm thankful for my ex.  Yes... strangest statement ever, but I am.  I'm thankful that I have a very amicable divorce and that he and I were able to remain friends.

 

I'm thankful for a very cool and understanding boss.  She is amazing to work for and I feel lucky to know that someone truly has my back at work.  That's a good feeling. 

 

I'm so thankful with a renewed relationship with my favorite aunt. 

 

 

What are you all thankful for today?  

TWENTY YEARS!

How is it even possible that I graduated from High School 20 freaking years ago! 

I don't usually share to many pictures of myself on this here bloggy, but THIS?  Way too good not to share.

The BFF that I mention on here constantly has been my sidekick since we were 10 years old and I'm going to be 39 next week.  That's a long damn time to have her in my life and I wouldn't change a thing.  

Here we are our senior year (20 years ago) and earlier this summer. 

I'm so lucky to have her in my life and..... DAYUM we look better now!  Love you, BFF! 

Changes

I've had it with the dating game... I am exhausted, beat up and just D.O.N.E.

 

The "newbie" that I had posted about awhile ago?  I don't even have the words to describe what happened with that one.  I hit a new ultimate low in the dating game.  He was seemingly perfect.  Smart, funny, adorable, good family, great job, sweet to me... then he dropped a bomb of EPIC proportions on me about two weeks ago.  I haven't decided if I want to discuss it on here, but it was 100% a deal breaker for me, so he had to go...  

It's just tiring.  I put all my heart and soul into getting to know someone... I start to let them in a little teeny tiny bit and BAM!  Sucker punched every time!   

Yesterday I interviewed for a new job within my company.  No one around me has any clue this is even a possibility (Hi BFF, sorry I haven't mentioned this!)  It's a job I know I would enjoy doing and I'd be very good at it, but it's a job that would change my life in many ways.  Right now I'm in middle management but can leave work at work and I only travel for fun. 

That would change completely.  I'd become the girl tethered to my phone/email and gone from home at least 2-3 nights a week.  This position would more than double my pay (which is a good thing) but at a cost.  I would have NO time to date as the nights that I'd be at home I'd want The Stinker with me.  My "free" time would be spent in a hotel in the cities around my new territory - SEVEN states in the Midwest.  Yeah... rewarding, but very exhausting. 

I interviewed for this job because I'm ready for a change.  I feel like maybe I want to be more focused on my career and myself and less focused on what a debacle my social life is.  I want to be married to my job for now and less worried about finding the one. 

This all may be "moo" as I might not even get the position, but even if I don't I will be making changes around here.  Watch out!


  

Just gotta have faith....

I finally did it! 

About two weekends ago the BFF and I went back to Iowa for our hometown Summerfest party.  It's a beer tent kind of weekend that we try and never miss.  It's fun to see peeps from High School since neither of us live in the area.  Let's be honest... we also go home because we both look way better now than we did back then so it's fun to flaunt it a bit.  Yes, we are "those" girls.   

On Saturday afternoon we had an appointment to FINALLY get the tattoos that we've been talking about for what seems like years! 

About 13 years ago we both got our first tattoos together (I got a small sun on my right ankle, she got a different kind of sun on her back shoulder) and we decided it was time for some more ink.     

So after a few beers for courage, I made the BFF go first and she did great!  I on the other hand wanted to die.  If she'd had been honest with me after she was done about how bad it hurt (I think she has a MUCH higher tolerance for pain), I'm not sure that I would have gone through with it. 

Once I was done sweating like crazy and trying not to barf or cry, I realized it was 100% worth it.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE it and I'm so proud of myself for actually doing it.  Faith is my daughter's middle name and I really have had a lot of faith in my life.  I am so in love with everything about it. 

BFF will randomly send me a picture of hers (also on her wrist) with a text that says, "Hey... remember when we got these BAD ASS tattoos?  We rock".  That my friends, is good stuff. 

Newbie





My girlfriends and I went out for some drinks last night which is always a good time.  The interesting part of the evening is that a guy who I've been casually dating for about 2 months joined us later in the evening.  This is BIG SUPER ZOMG EXCITING news for me.  Before he got there, we ended up talking about the last time they met someone I was dating.  I realized it's been longer than I care to admit since I had anyone worth introducing in my life.  Dry spell?  Party of one, please. 

When the discussion of my past dudes came up, and with the help of some liquid courage, they started telling me what they really thought of the people I've dated over the last three years.  Ouch.  What I don't understand is why don't they tell me these things when I'm in that moment and it's really happening?  I do realize I probably wouldn't have listened, but I wish they would have at least tried!   

After discussing the pros and cons of the few people I dated, BFF admits that "the one" I dated is the only person she ever really truly saw me with long term and one of the few I dated that she really liked herself.  He's the first one I dated after splitsville and I royally screwed the pooch on that one.  WHY??  I wish she'd shook the shit out of me back then and made me realize what I was throwing away by being a total fucktard at the time.  None of the other guys (except for one she HATED) really had anything wrong with them per say, she just didn't see us together for evah.      

All in all BFF really liked the newbie (gotta come up with a name for him in case he sticks around) and she was impressed with how the relationship is going so far.  We are taking it slow and enjoying "dating" without being serious and moving too quickly, which is usually my MO.

We'll see how this all plays out..... wish I could say my heart was more into the whole thing, but maybe that will come with time.  A house full of cats are still a very real option for me. 

Summer

I always seem to end up with one song each summer that becomes our summer jam. 

I love having an anthem for each year and then hearing that song later and remembering all the fun times we  had.  

Springsteen by Eric Church has taken the sweet spot for my friends and I this summer. 

I love the song.  I love the lyrics.  I love the things it makes me remember and the way I feel with those memories tumbling around.   

I don't really have a love from when I was 17 that I think about, but there are some loves in my life that do come to mind almost once a day....

"If bumped into you by happenstance
You probably wouldn't even know who I am
But if I, whispered your name
I bet there'd still be a spark"

"When I think about you, I think about 17,
I think about my old jeep
I think about the stars in the sky
Funny how a melody sounds like a memory
Like a soundtrack to a July Saturday night
Springsteen."

Happy Summer everyone!

My mother would be so disappointed

The BFF and I are heading back to our hometown next weekend and after what seems like 2 years of discussing our potential tattoos I think we are going to finally do it!

We each already have one (mine is a small sun on my ankle, means nothing important it was pretty and I was young - 'nuff said) and want another. 

BFF is getting her two daughter's first initials intertwined on her wrist.  Should be very dainty and pretty. 

I was going to get the word "Faith" on my wrist, but now I'm on the fence.  Stick with me.....

Faith is my daughter's middle name and through my life (dog attacking me, losing both of my parents, my divorce and starting over) I've had to have a lot of Faith.  For multiple reasons it's the perfect word for me.  

I like the font on "believe"

After thinking I had totally made my decision I found this. 

This is the Celtic Motherhood knot and I lourve it!  I am very Irish.  I was just in Ireland (loved it!) and I wanted my tattoo to have something to do with my amazing daughter.  It's perfect.  Now what? 

I don't know where I would put this one... back shoulder?  Stick with the wrist?  GAH!  Help!!  

Letting go....

This is an older post that I had sitting in drafts.... Don't feel quite as raw as when I wrote this, but I do still wonder about him.....


I'm having a terrible time letting go of something.  More specifically letting go of someone. 

I don't know how to do this and the someone is not making it any easier.  Why would he contact me if he's happily with someone else?  Why me and why now?   It's been over 3 years since we so abruptly ended our relationship.  Why would he admit he thinks about me often when he's with her? 

I keep thinking about "what if's" and I can't help but wonder if he's thinking the same thing. 

What if he was still in my life?  What would it be like?

I think we'd be happily co-habitating under one roof and loving life.  We'd have 3 kids, two dogs and a whole lotta love. 

I'd be driving him nuts with my short temper and sassiness, he'd be bugging me with his stubborn-ness and the fact he's more introverted.... but we'd have so much fun making up. 

He'd still be making me smile.  I've always said that wit is my kryptonite and he is the reason I will continue to need a funny guy in my life.  He was funny in a dry witty way like no one I've ever met since.  He always could make me smile. 

He would want to stay home and chill most nights while I'd want to go out and be social a lot of the time.

He'd still be expanding my horizon with books and music that I'd never pick up without him in my life.  

I get choked up thinking about what life would be like because I know it would have been amazing.  I'm having a hard time letting go of those thoughts but I KNOW I have to. 

I wish he was mine.  I wish I could care for someone completely the way I did then.  I wish I could truly see a future with someone like I did with him.  Someday... That someone for me is out there, I just know it.  He has to be. 

"Maybe mistakes are what make our fate.... without them what would shape our lives?  Maybe if we had never veered off course we wouldn't fall in love, have babies, or be who we are.  After all, things change, people come into your life and they go.  It's comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart...."  Sex and the City

I'm the "after" girl

It seems that a lot of the guys I've dated since my divorce are now happily involved in serious relationships.  I'm the "after" girl.  After dating me, they find The One.  That's a crappy pill to swallow.  What was it about me that wasn't good enough?  What could I have done differently to make things work?  Would I have even wanted it to work?  With most of them, probably not.  With very few...maybe. 

This week has been tough for me for some strange reason.  I'm heading out of town with 3 of my best girlfriends tomorrow and I think the leading up to and packing for this little vacation has me down in the dumps.  

I'm not a little girl.  I never have been and never will be.  I will never be a size 4 no matter how much I starve myself or how often I hit the gym.  A size 4 or even 6 is never ever going to be my "norm".  Now I wouldn't say I'm a plus size girl, but I'm getting close.  I hate that.  I also hate that I don't have the time/energy to do anything about it at this point. 

BFF is on the left, IFS middle...guess who is on the right?

All 3 of my girlfriends going on this trip tomorrow are teeny tiny anexoric work out freaks (they have their own issues which is a whole 'nother post in itself).  Yeah, cuz THAT'S fun to travel with.  I hate packing when I have to try and compete with their size XS outfits.  It's driving me to drink and eat MORE out of stress and depression. 

I'd compare myself to Joan from Mad Men with a little less sex appeal (but still with the red hair).  I've got the boobs and ass, but I don't have the height so I look squishier.  Man I love that show.  Anyway....

She's purty

Coming around to the point of this post.... me wonders that maybe if I looked like one of my best friends I wouldn't still be single.  If I was a hot piece of ass and packing my toddler clothes for this weekend, would I still be stone cold single? 

I've been on Match the last couple of weeks and I've actually given it a concerted effort.  I haven't half assed it and I have even responded to a few guys who I wouldn't normally give the time of day.  I'm trying to think outside the box (that's what she said) and expand my dating horizons. 

I've actually sent a few emails of my own to end up not hearing a thing.  Crickets.  I hate rejection and don't deal well with it.  One guy was polite enough to email me back and say he wasn't interested because he didn't think "we'd be a good match".  What if I looked like the BFF?  If I was blonde, 5'5" and a size 4 would he have responded then?  Probably.  That sucks balls. 

I know these are all things I can fix if I really wanted to.  I realize I need to get off my ass and do something and stop fucking complaining.  Right now?  I just want to complain.  My blog.  My space to bitch. 

I will deal with it all eventually.  I will either make some changes or be at peace with who I am.  For now I plan on being really drunk this weekend with the girls so I don't have to think about how fat and stupid I look standing next to them. 

Why do I do this to myself?

I recently got back from my yearly cruise, and this time I took my aunt with me.  She's always been my one of my favorite people and we had such a great time.  While drinking (free) booze for 12 days in the British Isles, there were quite a few "deep thoughts" type conversations about my current life and where I am right now. 

She talked me into signing up for Match.com again as I shouldn't just give up on finding someone.  I'm more apt to buy 10 cats and call it a day, but deep down I would like to not die alone with said cats eating my face.  BUT I don't feel like dealing with the shiz that comes with online dating to find him.  I want "him" to fall from the sky happily into my lap.  Heh.  Should be easy peasy, right?  


  
I have turned into a picky girl in my old age so here are some requirements for my search this time around on Match.  Yes.  These are real profile pictures from dudes in my area.  I'm a lucky girl. 

1.  I'm almost 39 years old.  If you are of the same age group and have a beer in your hand in every photo you might need to skip on over to the AA site.  I'm a girl who loves to drink, but I'm getting a bit old to have every.single.picture of myself with a cocktail in hand. 



2.  If you have pictures of yourself climbing a mountain or you mention that you love to camp and hunt every weekend, I'm probably not interested.  I'm a very outgoing girl and I'll try anything once, but I love a nice hotel with a warm bed. 



I know this picture doesn't match what I just said, but it still cracked me up.  He's by a tree.  Close enough to camping. 

3.  If all of your profile pictures are of you shirtless with washboard abs - no thanks.  While you are nice to look at I'm guessing you might have a small wiener so I'm out. 



4.  If your main profile photo is you in any kind of uniform, pilot, military, medical, firefighter, police office.... I'll marry you NOW.     

5.  If I recognize your profile from last year when I really gave this Match.com thing a shot you might have some issues.  I realize you could say the same about me since I'm back as well, but I'm the boss and it's weird. 

6.  If this is your main profile picture.  I don't believe you.



7.  If you have no photos of yourself besides the dreaded bathroom self portrait, no thanks!  I also don't want 400 pictures of your dog, your house, your landscaping, your car, ect..  You should have at least one non bathroom photo that someone else took for you in a social setting.  I don't think that's asking too much?

8.  If you almost 40 years old and your profile says "four kids who live away from home" and you've "never been married" I'm probably not interested.  Just sayin. 

9.  If you have a Olan Mills or Glamour Shot photo as your main profile picture I'm pretty sure you might also have some bodies buried in your backyard.  CREEPY! 



(The BFF and I are still laughing about this one.  He "winked" at me yesterday.  Yep.) 

Wish me good luck.  I'm going to fucking need it.

50 Shades of Confused

I always go so long without a post and then have many many things to say... Here are a few things happening in my life. 

I started 50 Shades of Grey this past week... has anyone else read this?  Oh my holy hell it's awful.  Crazy scary awful.  I'm not a prude by any sense of the imagination (I love me some sex) but the things this creepo does to this stupid girl are appalling.  Maybe because I'm not a lonely housewife (who I think is the target audience) I am unable to enjoy this book.  I'm honestly struggling to get through it.  Makes matters worse because the grammar and writing are deplorable.  I'm a grammer nazi and it's hard to not chuck the iPad across the room with some of the mistakes in this book.  Barf. 

For the first time since my divorce I've been "set up" with someone through a friend of a friend.  I haven't really dated a ton in the last year or so, and being blindly set up isn't something I've ever done.  I have to say so far... I'm pleasantly surprised.  He's a couple of years younger than me, very cute, girls around The Stinkers age, great job.  Talked to him on the phone for about an hour and a half the other night.  Felt like I was in High School again chatting on the phone and it was a good feeling.  We are meeting this week.... *fingers crossed*   

My sister and her now 5 month old baby in Kidney failure are actually hanging in there.  He's such a little punkin.  They have been able to keep dialysis at bay for the time being and he's doing ok at home.  That's the most important thing right now.  I'm so glad he's home where he belongs with his family.  Prayers are always appreciated.

Why is it just when I start to forget and let myself fall for someone new, my past pops up and sucker punches me in the gut.  I had a really tough time dealing with DoucheBag's marriage and profession of (too late) love for me.  Now the ONE guy that I can't get over pops back into my life.  I can't do it.  I want to see him, but I know that's not the right decision.  I can't see him in person when he's in another relationship, knowing I'm still a little in love with him.  I thought I maybe could, but it's not fair to me and my mental stability.  I embarrassed myself by turning into a crazy person when he emailed me today.  He does that to me!  That new relationship I mentioned?  I'd drop it like a fucking hot potato for him, but it'll never happen.  Ever.  And that breaks my heart.

I was the lucky recipient of a colonoscopy last week.  Yea me!  I ended up in the ER Saturday morning with some severe tummy issues (I've always had weird stomach issues, but they've been getting worse and worse).  They decided I needed a endoscopy and colonoscopy the next day.  So I got scoped from both ends without so much as a kiss or a nice dinner.  It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be and all they found were some little ulcers in my stomach they are keeping an eye on.  I've felt better this past week and hope to not have to have that procedure again for a long time....

All in all life is good and I'm hanging in there... hope everyone else is, too!

Nothing like a good book

I love to read.  I always have.  I'm insatiable when it comes to books.  Always.have.to.read.  Always.

This week I read The Bungalow by Sarah Jio and I fell in love with it.  This story and characters absolutely consumed me for 24 hours and I couldn't put it down.  That doesn't happen very often, but when it does I love that feeling. 

It's not a long book and a very easy read, but I highly recommend it.  Getting lost in the South Pacific during WWII with these characters was the best way I could think of to spend a lazy day duing the week. 

Amazing. 

So, there's that

You know what is a really good time?

Getting an email from an ex BF that you dated on and off for about 2 years.  In the email he mentions that he's marrying the hot 23 year old (he's 39) he dumped you for and he'd love to meet for a drink to catch up. 

Ummm... what the fuck? 

After discussing with the BFF I decided to go.  Curiosity won over anything else.  Plus I'm kinda dumb. 

So he basically told me he is marrying her because she's good for his ego.  He always wanted a "trophy wife" and now he has her.  He also said he loves me more than I could ever know and that he is fully aware he chose the wrong girl.

There also might have been some pleading for me to go home with him (I did NOT, I'm not that dumb) and a kiss or two (I was nervous drinking - shut up). 

Yeah.  Good times.  Fucker. 

I give up

I think I'm finally throwing in the towel. 

I was super duper sick this past weekend.  The Stinker had to stay at the ex's, I didn't move from the couch for 3 days, sick.  It was terrible. 

During that time I watched a lot of Sex and the City dvd's.  It was heavenly (besides the fever, coughing, snot fest I was having).  There was one episode where the girls are talking about the number of "great loves" each person gets in their lifetime.   

I'm worried that maybe I already had the great loves of my life.  I feel extremely lucky to have had those men in my life, but I don't know that I have the energy to keep looking for that kind of love.  What if that was it for me?  I had my chance and blew it.  Twice. 

The Fox that I was dating has disappeared by no fault of my own and for the first time in quite awhile - I could care less about finding someone new.  Fuck butterflies, chemistry and true love.  I'm so over it.   

I'm sure I'll snap out of this funk and be back to spouting butterflies and unicorns in no time, but right now... I could really care less.

Protected

I'm desperately trying to figure out how to do a "password protected" post on blogger but it doesn't seem to be an easy feat to accomplish. 

If anyone can help me figure this out, I'd appreciate it!

If it's something I can do - watch out.  I have a lot to say.  It's been a long week with a lot on my mind. 

Fuck.  It's only Wednesday. 

Hairapy

I'm ready for a major change.  I'm in the mood to do something drastic.  Since the BFF isn't ready to get another tattoo with me.  I'm thinking I'll mess with my hair.
 
I have really really thick, coarse long red hair.  It's all one length and has been for as long as I can remember.  I've never had bangs.  Ok, maybe I did in high school when I was caught in hair hell with my short "pube" haircut.  *shudder*  It was awful.  Trust me. 

Anywho...  The natural curl is a thorn in my side.  I've paid to have it chemically straightened but that is such an expensive process I haven't had it done in a few years.  My hair is so thick and heavy the length actually pulls the curl out quite a bit.  That's a good thing. 

I want to do this.  Bangs! 

My hair is about an inch or so longer than this, and with my own curl and my monster curling iron that's what my hair looks like most days. 

The question is about the bangs.  Could I do it?  I'd have to flat iron them all the live long day, but man they are sassy.  I heart them soooo much and haven't stopped thinking about doing this since I saw the picture. 

Would I be biting off more than I can chew with this haircut?  Has anyone regretted getting bangs after years and years of one length hair?

Happy V Day!

Does anyone else not really give a shit about this stooopid holiday? 

It's trite and cheesy, but I think when in a relationship the romance should be there every day.  Not only on some Hallmark created day in the middle of the dreariest month of the year.

It's been quite a few years since I've had anyone in my life on this day and that's honestly ok with me. 

This year I have The Fox.  Everything is new with us, so there won't be grand gestures or big displays of affection tonight, which is a good thing.  I'm not ready to be there yet.  Spending a nice quiet evening at my house with someone I truly enjoy being with should be the perfect way to end this day.  

I would be just as happy being at home with The Stinker if The Fox wasn't around to spend time with.  That realization is how I know I'm doing completely fine on my own.  This chick doesn't need no stinkin man on this dumb "holiday".  I have an amazing little girl, fantastic friends, a warm lovely home.... I would not be crying in my wine tonight alone over the fact I'm "single". 

Life is just fine.... but some lovin tonight would be good, too.  I'm only human. *grin*

Blast from the past

Sometimes life can be funny. 

There is someone that I dated almost 4 years ago that will pop into my mind from time to time.  He's that one guy "that got away".  I'm not pining for him, but he's someone that will occasionally come to mind.  I wonder what he's up to, how his kids are doing.  Normal stuff like that.  A comment here last year made me think of him and I even sent him an email (gasp! I know, right?) to see how he was doing.  It was nice to hear from him (yes, he responded) and to know that he doesn't hate my guts enough to never speak to me again.

THEN for the first time in four years, this past weekend... I saw him.  I went out with the Fox (you'll learn more about him later) and the moment he mentioned stopping at a particular bar, I thought of the ex.  I know his girlfriend used to frequent this place due to the type of music they play, but it was a busy Saturday night and I figured there was no way they'd be there. 

Wrong.  As the Fox and I walked around looking for a seat - there they were.  She had her back to me and he was next to her rubbing her back.  She looked stunning as usual and he was as cute as ever.  The good thing is, I don't think he saw me. 

I'm happy.  He's happy.  It was good to see him.  He looked good and they looked content together  That's a good thing.  I hope I looked the same.  Someday, I know I will.

I'm ALIVE!!!

I'm alive... I'm alive!! 

How is everyone!?!?  Still there?  Hope so!! 

I can't believe how long I've been out of commission... Not only have I not been updating this here lovely little bloggy but I haven't been able to read all our your blogs, either!  True sadness.  That is all going to change this week!

I've fallen off the face of the earth for quite a few reasons. 

Towards the end of 2011 (November to be exact) I got a huge promotion at work.  I went from the girl that loved her job, never took it home at night, didn't have access to email after business hours... to a department manager with HUGE responsibilities and much more to do.  My days of leisurely spending hours at a time reading blogs, jacking around on Facebook and Twitter while doing some internet hopping are unfortunately over.  I love my new position and feel very fortunate to have been offered this role.  Life is pretty damn good on the work front.

After the holidays I took a vacation with the munchkin which has also taken up a lot of my brain power.  We went on a 7 night Disney Cruise from LA and it was fantastic.  Every single moment was amazing and I loved having a whole entire week in the sun and sand with my little best friend. 

My family life has also taken a hit in the last few months as well.  I wanted to post more about this with some some links and information, but the situation involves my little sister.  While I love my little sister dearly I don't want her to know about this blog and she's savvy enough to figure things out if I start "linking things up".  Short version of the story - she had her 3rd baby on 11/26 who was born in full renal (kidney) failure.  He spent the first month and a half of his life in the hospital.  He's been home a few weeks until today when he's back to Iowa City to start dialysis.  He's just over 2 months old and will now be on dialysis until he can have a kidney transplant once he's approx 22lbs.  I could use any prayers you feel like throwing up to the big guy.  The dialysis starting this week will take a toll on his little body and the mortality rate for an infant on dialysis is... well, it's not good.

I have some boy stories as well, but we'll save those for another day... Gotta make sure you come back!