I'm the "after" girl

It seems that a lot of the guys I've dated since my divorce are now happily involved in serious relationships.  I'm the "after" girl.  After dating me, they find The One.  That's a crappy pill to swallow.  What was it about me that wasn't good enough?  What could I have done differently to make things work?  Would I have even wanted it to work?  With most of them, probably not.  With very few...maybe. 

This week has been tough for me for some strange reason.  I'm heading out of town with 3 of my best girlfriends tomorrow and I think the leading up to and packing for this little vacation has me down in the dumps.  

I'm not a little girl.  I never have been and never will be.  I will never be a size 4 no matter how much I starve myself or how often I hit the gym.  A size 4 or even 6 is never ever going to be my "norm".  Now I wouldn't say I'm a plus size girl, but I'm getting close.  I hate that.  I also hate that I don't have the time/energy to do anything about it at this point. 

BFF is on the left, IFS middle...guess who is on the right?

All 3 of my girlfriends going on this trip tomorrow are teeny tiny anexoric work out freaks (they have their own issues which is a whole 'nother post in itself).  Yeah, cuz THAT'S fun to travel with.  I hate packing when I have to try and compete with their size XS outfits.  It's driving me to drink and eat MORE out of stress and depression. 

I'd compare myself to Joan from Mad Men with a little less sex appeal (but still with the red hair).  I've got the boobs and ass, but I don't have the height so I look squishier.  Man I love that show.  Anyway....

She's purty

Coming around to the point of this post.... me wonders that maybe if I looked like one of my best friends I wouldn't still be single.  If I was a hot piece of ass and packing my toddler clothes for this weekend, would I still be stone cold single? 

I've been on Match the last couple of weeks and I've actually given it a concerted effort.  I haven't half assed it and I have even responded to a few guys who I wouldn't normally give the time of day.  I'm trying to think outside the box (that's what she said) and expand my dating horizons. 

I've actually sent a few emails of my own to end up not hearing a thing.  Crickets.  I hate rejection and don't deal well with it.  One guy was polite enough to email me back and say he wasn't interested because he didn't think "we'd be a good match".  What if I looked like the BFF?  If I was blonde, 5'5" and a size 4 would he have responded then?  Probably.  That sucks balls. 

I know these are all things I can fix if I really wanted to.  I realize I need to get off my ass and do something and stop fucking complaining.  Right now?  I just want to complain.  My blog.  My space to bitch. 

I will deal with it all eventually.  I will either make some changes or be at peace with who I am.  For now I plan on being really drunk this weekend with the girls so I don't have to think about how fat and stupid I look standing next to them.