Why do I do this to myself?

I recently got back from my yearly cruise, and this time I took my aunt with me.  She's always been my one of my favorite people and we had such a great time.  While drinking (free) booze for 12 days in the British Isles, there were quite a few "deep thoughts" type conversations about my current life and where I am right now. 

She talked me into signing up for Match.com again as I shouldn't just give up on finding someone.  I'm more apt to buy 10 cats and call it a day, but deep down I would like to not die alone with said cats eating my face.  BUT I don't feel like dealing with the shiz that comes with online dating to find him.  I want "him" to fall from the sky happily into my lap.  Heh.  Should be easy peasy, right?  


  
I have turned into a picky girl in my old age so here are some requirements for my search this time around on Match.  Yes.  These are real profile pictures from dudes in my area.  I'm a lucky girl. 

1.  I'm almost 39 years old.  If you are of the same age group and have a beer in your hand in every photo you might need to skip on over to the AA site.  I'm a girl who loves to drink, but I'm getting a bit old to have every.single.picture of myself with a cocktail in hand. 



2.  If you have pictures of yourself climbing a mountain or you mention that you love to camp and hunt every weekend, I'm probably not interested.  I'm a very outgoing girl and I'll try anything once, but I love a nice hotel with a warm bed. 



I know this picture doesn't match what I just said, but it still cracked me up.  He's by a tree.  Close enough to camping. 

3.  If all of your profile pictures are of you shirtless with washboard abs - no thanks.  While you are nice to look at I'm guessing you might have a small wiener so I'm out. 



4.  If your main profile photo is you in any kind of uniform, pilot, military, medical, firefighter, police office.... I'll marry you NOW.     

5.  If I recognize your profile from last year when I really gave this Match.com thing a shot you might have some issues.  I realize you could say the same about me since I'm back as well, but I'm the boss and it's weird. 

6.  If this is your main profile picture.  I don't believe you.



7.  If you have no photos of yourself besides the dreaded bathroom self portrait, no thanks!  I also don't want 400 pictures of your dog, your house, your landscaping, your car, ect..  You should have at least one non bathroom photo that someone else took for you in a social setting.  I don't think that's asking too much?

8.  If you almost 40 years old and your profile says "four kids who live away from home" and you've "never been married" I'm probably not interested.  Just sayin. 

9.  If you have a Olan Mills or Glamour Shot photo as your main profile picture I'm pretty sure you might also have some bodies buried in your backyard.  CREEPY! 



(The BFF and I are still laughing about this one.  He "winked" at me yesterday.  Yep.) 

Wish me good luck.  I'm going to fucking need it.