Am I dead inside?

I've had to deal with a fair amount of shadoobie in my life.   

My dad died pretty suddenly in the winter of 1999, my grandpa died December of 2007, my mom passed away the next month and then my grandma died that next October.  Yeah.  Sucks.  I'm 37 years old and I have no parents or grandparents left.  It's a pretty lonely feeling. 

I feel like after all that, I have nothing left.  Zilch in the empathy or emotion department.  I have a friend who has recently had very sick grandparents.  When she mentions it to me... I feel nothing.  I want to say, "suck it up - I've dealt with sooo much worse and kept a smile on my face"  What the fuck is wrong with me?  I'm obviously dead inside for thinking like that. 

Part of the reason I'm not with the X anymore is because he was unable to communicate about anything.  Through the death of both of my parents, grandparents, fertility issues, adopting our baby girl - he never comforted me.  He never sat down and just let me cry.  He never let me yell or scream or vent about what was happening to me.  To us.  He never hugged me and told me how bad it all sucked, but that he'd be my rock no matter what.  He never just took me out for a night and got me stinking drunk.  Nothing.  I kept everything completely bottled up and to the world I was the most well-adjusted sad person, ever. 

I wonder if that situation is why I am, the way I am.  Dealing with my dad dying was the hardest thing I've ever done.  He was my favorite person in the world.  My bright shining star.  I shut down when he got sick.  I didn't go visit half as much as I should.  I didn't call every.single.day to hear his voice and tell him how much I loved him.  I didn't go home every weekend to sit and hold his hand and watch football games with him.  I also didn't have a strong partner to tell me to get my ass in the car and go hug my dad.  

I don't know how to be supportive for my friend.  I want to be the friend for her that she was for me when I dealt with my losses.  I hate that I can't be strong enough for both of us. 

Nothing to see here...

Hurricanes make this girl, who books flights and deals with airlines for a living, super duper grumpy.  I can't fly the planes people.  What the hell do you think I can do for you at this point?!?  It's a hurricane.  Flights are going to be delayed and just generally fucked up for the next 3 days.  You won't miss your cruise - trust me.  We'll get you there somehow, but it may be through Bumblefuck Mississippi.  Enjoy your vacation.  *grin* 

The besties and all the kids are coming over to play tonight while the grown ups drink.  Do other parents do this?  We chill at my house, drink, talk, sit outside while the little ones run amok in my house destroying everything in it's path.  I love to still be able to spend time with the friends, my favorite little person and my lovah - alcohol.  :)  

I  haven't heard anything about the job interview I had a few weeks ago.  He said it would be the end of the month before I heard, but this is killing me.  Dead.  I'm the least patient person on the planet.  It's taken every bit of grown up restraint I can muster, to not email the man every.single.minute to ask, "now?  Now?  Do you know yet?  Now?  What do you think?  Me?  I'm awesome.  Thanks, I know.  Now?  Decision, now?"  Gaaahhhh.... I heard someone else applied that might be a bit more qualified, but I'm still holding out hope and keeping my fingers crossed... It's pretty much all I can concentrate on right now. 

Hope everyone has a great weekend!!!! 

Hot lunch!

My baby girl is all growed up.  Yep.  The Stinker started Kindergarten last week and my whole world has been turned upside down.  She seems older already.  It makes this mommy so proud and so sad at the same time. 

She wasn't scared at all on the first day and saddled up to that teeny tiny desk ready to tackle anything they threw at her.  She was pumped and I loved that.  No crying for her.  Maybe a few tears for me. 

When anyone asked her about her first few days, all she could talk about was HOT LUNCH!  It's the best part of the day in her world.  She loves everything about it.  Couldn't wait to tell me about the three milk choices she had.  Three!?!?  What a world we live in.  :)
 

I've never been more proud to be a mommy, and I can't wait to see what other new changes this year brings for my little Stinker.  She amazes me every day.

Zzzzz......

I finally have a boy in my life.  A boy who I really really like, maybe even love.  I haven't said that "L" word for a very long time, so trust me.  This is a big fricking deal in my world.

It's the same boy from this post, and things have been great since he got home from Afghanistan. 

Here is the pickle.  He snores.  Very loudly.  All.night.long. 

I not embarrassed to admit I haven't had a dude in my bed for quite some time.  I love my "single" life.  I can go to bed when I want, I have the bed to myself, I can read or sleep in the middle if I want!  This momma loves to sleep.     

I used to say I could not - would not ever date a snorer.  That was one of my "dealbreakers".  Everyone has those, right?  My dealbreakers, among other little things, were no bad jeans, no long distance (more on that "dealbreaker" later - it's actually a problem, too), no living at home, no bad teeth or feet (both ick me out, even if they are pretty), and NO snoring!  How did I fall for someone that has 2 of the 5?  Super duper. 

I'm a very light sleeper.  I'm such a light sleeper I can only sleep with some sort of "noise".  (yes, I have like 3 of them).  The Stinker has one, too.  I guess it's not a shocker I've been single for awhile, huh?  It helps!  Shut up. 

When Capt Ron (that's what we'll call my new boy) stays at my house I have the noise going full blast and sometimes a pillow over my head.  All I do is lay there becoming more and more exhausted while silently plotting his death.  (I kid, I kid - or do I?)  Rolling him over lasts for about 10 minutes and then he's right back at it. 

What's a girl to do?  I really care about him and can't let the first good thing to come along in years go away because I can't sleep... so what's the alternative?!?!   Breathe right strips, surgery, more drinking before bed?  I'm ready to do anything that will help me not be exhausted and not dread him sleeping in my bed. 

I have a problem...

I can't.stop.buying.jeans. 

I don't even know if jeans are "cool" anymore.  Everytime we go out, all the "pop tarts" (that's what I call anyone under the age of 30) are wearing teeny tiny shorts or teeny tiny skirts/dresses.  This momma is not down with that. 

Anyway... I can't stop buying jeans.  OBSESSED.  The one thing that makes me feel not SO crazy is that the BFF is also obsessed with buying new jeans.  She's way worse than me.  Sorry bestie you be crazy, too! 

I already have these

 and these

I'm lusting after these (they are STRIAGHT!!  perfect to roll up and great for boots!!)

and drolling after these...  (they are lighter and fancy on the butt and could be worn with flip flops and a cute T!!)

I think I need a part time job. 

My name is Emily and I am addicted to buying jeans... HELP!

I'm ready for some FOOTBALL!

I live in Husker Nation. 

If you've ever had the pleasure of being in Omaha or Lincoln on a Husker game day, you'd know what I'm talking about.  If not... You are lucky.  It's redic.  People here go shit ass crazy for Husker football.  It's a sea of red every where you go.  You can't get married on a game day, and if you do - you better have a TV at your reception or people won't come.  You can't run to the grocery store without hearing the game blasting through the PA system while you try to shop in peace.  You can't drive down a street in a quiet suburban neighborhood without seeing some form of lunacy.  When I first moved here, my neighbors had a cannon... Yes. A f'ing CANNON that they would shoot off every time the Huskers scored.  Nice, huh?

I'm from Iowa originally.  I'm a Hawkeye girl living in Husker football land.  My dad was a football referee growing up, and he loved sharing his passion for football with my sister and I.  In turn, I LOVE football,  Since he passed away, I love it even more.  I feel like it's "our time".  Time that makes me think of him and miss him so much.  He would have loved chilling with me and The Stinker on a beautiful fall Saturday while we cheered for our favorite teams (she's a "go Huskers" kind of girl.  Traitor)

My non Husker love wasn't a big deal until last year when Nebraska joined the Big 10.  Iowa will now play Nebraska in the big day after Thanksgiving rivalry game.  So excited!  Shit's gonna hit the fan in this town when the Hawkeye's roll over the gool ol boys.   

Randomness

Here are some random things floating around in this frizzy pretty lil head of mine...

1.  The Stinker starts Kindergarten in two weeks... Holy Balls, how is that even possible?  ....and more importantly, what is she going to wear on the first day?  Momma needs to start shopping!

2.  I have a big interview coming up next week.  It's within the same company I work for, and might be more traveling than I would like, but it's an opportunity that was MADE for me.  I can't pass it up.  I'm so nervous I could barf on myself.  Good thing the first interview is over the phone.... 

3.  I'm trying to decide what my free cruise should be for 2011.  (it's a tough job I have - hehe)  Do I take the long Australia cruise that will pretty much burn ALL my vacation time for next year by February?  Or should I be sensible and take a shorter European cruise and save the Australia one for when I have more time off saved up?  I hate being a grown up and making sensible decisions. 

4.  The BFF is getting ready to also head back to school (she's a Kindergarten teacher), so that means "the depression" (say it with your big announcer voice) has set in.  She loves her some summer and "the depression" means even more nightly beers and whining about her life being over.  Love you BFF! 

Funny thought I had today... is The Stinker's new teacher doing the same thing?  Drinking nightly and sending emails to friends telling them to shoot her because school starts soon?  Maybe I should bring her teacher a Blue Moon for Back to School night next week.    

5.  I totally feel like I'm boobing out of this shirt today at work.  Ugh...

Ok that's only five random things, but hey... I'm a simple girl.  Hope everyone is having a good week!

Tired

I'm tired. 

Tired of being hot and sweaty.  I'm ready for fall.  Yep.  I said it.  I'M DONE.  Peace out summer... get out of here. 

Tired of my job with all these high school type ladies who can't just do their work.  They have to discuss it and then gossip about everyone around us (probably me included) before doing any actual work.  I'm sooo not a part of popular girls here. 

Tired of the X acting like a damn martyr and my family acting like I'm the bad guy all the time.  Why can't anyone just be happy for me? 

Tired of feeling fat and gross but frustrated I don't have the energy or time to do anything about it.

Tired of my hair.  I hate having the thickest hair on the planet and did I mention how fucking HOT it is these days???  Ugh...

I need a nap.