I've had to deal with a fair amount of shadoobie in my life.
My dad died pretty suddenly in the winter of 1999, my grandpa died December of 2007, my mom passed away the next month and then my grandma died that next October. Yeah. Sucks. I'm 37 years old and I have no parents or grandparents left. It's a pretty lonely feeling.
I feel like after all that, I have nothing left. Zilch in the empathy or emotion department. I have a friend who has recently had very sick grandparents. When she mentions it to me... I feel nothing. I want to say, "suck it up - I've dealt with sooo much worse and kept a smile on my face" What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm obviously dead inside for thinking like that.
Part of the reason I'm not with the X anymore is because he was unable to communicate about anything. Through the death of both of my parents, grandparents, fertility issues, adopting our baby girl - he never comforted me. He never sat down and just let me cry. He never let me yell or scream or vent about what was happening to me. To us. He never hugged me and told me how bad it all sucked, but that he'd be my rock no matter what. He never just took me out for a night and got me stinking drunk. Nothing. I kept everything completely bottled up and to the world I was the most well-adjusted sad person, ever.
I wonder if that situation is why I am, the way I am. Dealing with my dad dying was the hardest thing I've ever done. He was my favorite person in the world. My bright shining star. I shut down when he got sick. I didn't go visit half as much as I should. I didn't call every.single.day to hear his voice and tell him how much I loved him. I didn't go home every weekend to sit and hold his hand and watch football games with him. I also didn't have a strong partner to tell me to get my ass in the car and go hug my dad.
I don't know how to be supportive for my friend. I want to be the friend for her that she was for me when I dealt with my losses. I hate that I can't be strong enough for both of us.
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