Raw

There are times that I wonder why I'm even putting forth the effort to try and meet someone amazing.  My life is pretty damn awesome but after a week like this - I have NO IDEA why I care about finding a partner to share my life with.  It's too much work and I'm tired of getting my heart stomped on. 

 

I met someone about 2 weeks ago... adorable, very successful, great family, 36, dark hair and eyes, pretty short, and witty which is my kryptonite.  For our first date I met him at a super pretentious but delicious restaurant downtown.  We shared a very expensive bottle of wine and had one of those nights where time stood still.  We talked and talked and talked.  Before we knew it the restaurant was kicking us out and we found ourselves walking around downtown hand in hand.  At one point he pulled me towards him, put both hands on my face, told me I was the most amazing and beautiful person he'd met in a very long time and he kissed me.  Really kissed me.  I went into full on "girl mode", my knees buckled and my heart literally skipped a beat.  It was an amazing moment.  We ended up back at his loft and talked and kissed until way too late (and no, we didn't do that!).  It will forever go down in the history books as one of the VERY BEST DATES I've ever had.  He said all the right things, he was a total gentleman, he was sweet and caring and thoughtful - it was 100% perfect from beginning to end. 

 

We made plans to do something about 4 days later and he ended up cooking dinner for me in his loft that night.  It was again one of those perfect nights where I wanted to pinch myself the entire time.  It was fun and easy and comfortable.  It felt like we'd been doing this dating thing together for years. 
 

The next week went by and I didn't hear much from him which was fine.  I was busy.  I know he's busy.  No big deal.  We had plans to do something Saturday night.  I got a text that day about 4pm saying he was sick and wasn't going to be able to do anything.  He said he was sorry and that he still wanted to see me before I left for my vacation (about 5 days later) but that night wouldn't work.  That's the last I've heard from him.  Literally.  I asked how he was feeling on Sunday - nothing.  A quick text to "see if he was alive Monday" - nothing.  At that point I stopped trying.  He obviously doesn't want to hear from me and while it's making me INSANE in the membrane not knowing what happened, I'm not that girl that will blow up his phone when it's very clear he wants nothing more to do with me.
 

I don't like being this girl who is visibly hurt and vulnerable.  I am crushed and I feel totally broken right now.  I don't know that I will ever find someone who will stick around and truly love me for me.  I refuse to settle but it seems the ones I want never want me back. 
 

It's a tough pill to swallow and for now I'm just done trying... I used to think I was "a catch" that could land just about any guy I wanted and lately with all this heartbreak I realize that isn't the case.
 

Done.  I'm just totally and completely done.   

Is this thing on??

I've always been a fair-weather blogger and for the past few months I just haven't had the time or energy to come here and bare my life and soul.  Not a huge amount going on.  I've basically been enjoying my new home, getting the most out of every second of summer and trying to find my happily ever after.  Hey... 2 out of 3 happening isn't bad, right?!?! 

This summer was one of the best I've had in years.  I was lucky enough to fine a new "family" in a NW Iowa resort town where I've been going every summer since I was a short little red headed person.  This summer was different, though.  My aunt and uncle rented a home in a community that has become my happy place.  I met so many amazing people and spent so many drunk fun days and nights on the lake with family and friends.  I wouldn't trade a second of this summer for anything in the world.  I've always been a summer girl and even more so a water girl being happiest by a lake, ocean or swimming pool.  Recently Aunt and Uncle decided to buy their own piece of paradise and let their rental home go.  Guess who snatched up that rental faster than a fat kid at a cake buffet.... THIS GIRL!  I will have my very own summer home from April to November next year and I can't wait!  I see a TON of miles being put on my car and almost no weekends at home in Omaha.  It's going to be epic. 

I also spent a fair amount of time this summer trying to "get back out there" as my friends put it.  Yeah.  Dumb decision.  I'll go into specifics in later posts (I could wring about 2947 posts on my shitty dating life and all it's ridiculousness) but for the most part it was a total disaster.  Now it's winter ish and back I'm in hermit mode I want to punch anyone in the throat that is happy and in love.  We'll see how that plays out... heh. 

All in all - dating life aside - things are good in this Sassy Momma's world.  We'll see what's next?!

The Helpers

I was stunned and saddned to hear about the tragedy yesterday in Boston.  My constant thoughts and prayers are with everyone involved.  This has to stop. 

 

The Stinker is getting older and as a mother, it's becoming a part of my life to sit down and talk about these terrible things that happen around us.

We were at Disneyworld this past December when the Sandy Hook elementary shooting happened.  I honestly think being at Disney submerged in the "happiest place on Earth" bubble during that horrific week was for the best.  The Stinker is 6 years old and in first grade.  She is at exactly the same point in her little life as the children that lost their lives that day.  I was able to hug her that entire week and appreciate the amazing little person I have by my side.  We were able to talk about what happened and how awful it was for those children and their families, but we also talked about all the people that came to their aid and how when we hurt, sometimes the best thing to do is help others.

Now we have yet another tragic event to discuss.  This morning I had the news on for a very brief time and she happened to catch a snippet where they mentioned the 8 year old boy who was killed waiting for his dad to cross the finish line. 

I'd really like to stop having these discussions with my 6 year old - but sadly in this world we are living in - it's a part of being a mom.  We talked again about the people running towards the bomb site yesterday and how the "helpers" are the real heroes in this awful time.

My prayers and thoughts are with everyone affected in Boston yesterday.  

A few little obsessions

A part of the mid life crisis I think I'm having has been trying new things that are normally out of my comfort zone. 

I'm the first to admit I'm a total creature of habit.  I don't totally freak out when plans change, but I really do prefer order and everything in it's place.  I buy mostly the same food, I always shop at the same clothing stores, I buy the same makeup and haircare over and over, blah blah blah... You get the picture.

Lately I'm trying to be creative and mix things up!! 

I started watching a lot of You Tube Videos on makeup and hair care products.  Being a pretty low maintenance girl, I have a tough time spending a lot of money on this stuff.  I'm getting better though...

Here are a few of my favorite purchases so far. 

Dry Shampoo... I posted on Facebook last night that I'm totally late to this party, but good lawd I love this stuff.  I've been meaning to get some forever and finally went to Target last week to pick this little beauty up.  It was recommended by some hair product "snobs" who said it really is just as good as the pricey stuff (like Bumble and Bumble or Big Sexy Hair). Best part??  It's THREE dollars a bottle!!  Yes! 



Blush.  Ok... I know it's redic that this is exciting for me, but I've never ever ever worn any.  I'm a natural red head and I've always thought adding MORE red to my face seemed super crazy so blush was never on my radar.  I realize now I need to use more everything on my face.  More moisturizer, bronzer, blush, ect.  I'm learning ya'll, I'm learning.  This one is Elf brand from Target which is seriously also THREE dollars (do you see a trend here? Yep - I'm cheap)




Bobbi Brown Gel eyeliner.  I love bold eyes and that is my one feature I really do like about myself (my eyes are a super strange color) so I always love to play up the eyes.  This eyeliner is fantastic and works great for smoky eyes or even for daytime.  Love.

Naked2 Palette.  This is another thing I am in love with.  I was that girl still using the small teeny eyeshadow brushes that come with makeup.  Yep, 1990 called and they want their applicators back!  I've branched out to actually use brushes for all my eye shadows and I love the way they work and the looks I can get with these colors! 

Lace shorts.  I sure hope I'm not too old for these because I love them, but I'm keeping the tags on for now.  They will be my goal shorts.  They look ok on me right now, since I've been working out more my legs don't completely suck, but I want to feel even more comfortable (skinny) in them with some cute wedges.  I really do love them.  (that's not me in the pic... just FYI) 

So there you go!  That's what I've been blowing waaayyyy too much money on!  What are your obsessions for this spring? 

Mid life crisis

Yep. 

 

I turn 40 freaking years old this year and I think I've had my official mid life crisis

 

AND I LOVE IT!!

 

In January I sold the house I had only lived in for 3 years and built a brand new house.  About 2 weeks ago I decided (after thinking about this even before the house thing) to buy a brand new car.  Like a 2013 new car.  Neither of these things were absolutely necessary, but dammit they sure been fun! 

 

I can honestly say I have never been happier.  Everything seems to be falling into place for me and I feel like 2013 is going to be MY year. 

 

I had a lot of stress in 2012 that I didn't get into on here, but to say there has been a HUGE weight lifted off my shoulders would be an understatement. 

 

I never realized how awful the lay out of my old house was until I finally moved out.  The feeling of being totally content with every aspect of my new home is so amazing. 

 

I will try and get some house pictures up soon.  I've never been great with decorating (I just don't have that "eye) but with the invention of Pinterest and being able to stalk some blogs with great decorating ideas... I'd say I'm actually doing ok!  It's been blast! 

 

 

 

 



Happy Ending

THE SICKNESS took over my house the last few weeks and sadly there has been a lot of couch time happening when I should be doing so many other things. 

Anywho... One of the movies I watched a few times while making a permanent ass imprint in my couch was "He's Just Not That Into You".  As I watched it for the 4th time in one weekend this ending monologue really jumped out at me.  It absolutely says it all. 

"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up.  If a guy punches you, he likes you.  Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. 

Every movie we see, every story we are told implores us to wait for it; the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule.

But sometimes we are so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs.

How to tell the ones who want us from the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. 

And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy.  Maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. 

Maybe the happy ending is just.... moving on.

Or maybe the happy ending is this : Knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment YOU NEVER GAVE UP HOPE"

SOLD

Well, I did it.  I really did it. 

About 4 months ago when the BFF started talking about the new home that she and her family were going to build in 2013 it got me to thinking about my own home situation. 

I own an adorable house that really is perfect for The Stinker and I... or is it? 

The kitchen is the smallest in the history of homes with 4 full size cabinets TOTAL.  Now I'm not much of a cooker, but I do love to entertain which can't happen in my current house due to space.  There are a few other minuscule things that annoyed me about my house, but nothing major. 

I started looking at houses that I could build in a neighborhood closer to my X (yes, I know it's weird) and to The Stinker's school.  With the ridiculously low interest rates right now I could build a brand new home worth about 20K more than my current place and still have the same mortgage payment each month.  Did I want to do it?  HELLZ YES.

Soooo... I listed my home with a realtor (ended up hating her, but whatev) and started the whole process.  Per the builder I was using, I had 90 days to get my home sold - now mind you this 90 days was going to include Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year - not really the best time of the year to sell.  I had a long winter ahead of me.

I started the building process with the new house.  I chose an beautiful lot with trees behind me (no back neighbors - EVER) that is close to a park.  I also chose the interior features and most importantly picked out a BEAUTIFUL kitchen that I can't wait to see in person.  

Then I had to wait.  I really started to lose hope that this would ever happen because I wasn't sure my house would sell in 90 days.  I had 10-20 showings some weeks, but no offers.  I really only told a few people what I was trying to do because I didn't want to be that girl crying wolf about the new beautiful house that I would end up never living in.

Well, guess what???  I accepted a great offer on Monday and it's officially SOLD!!

I get my new pretty house!!!!

2013

I really am not in the mood to post some cheesy story about all the things I accomplished in 2012 and all the things I'm going to change/do in 2013.

 

All I will say is this... I believe 2012 was pretty great and life seems to be getting better and better the older I get. 

 

I have an amazing daughter, a job I honestly enjoy going to, a beautiful home that keeps us safe, the most amazing friends ever.  Not too shabby. 

 

Am I still single?  Yes.  Is that ok?  Yes.  It's the first time in years I've been able to actually admit that.  I'd love to find "him" but am I ok if I don't?  Abso fricking lutely. 

 

Happy New Year everyone! 

 

(I realize this picture has nothing to do with this post, but it made me giggle) 

Happy New Year!!

Goodbye 2012

 

I promise to have some posts up soon... I've been crafting some good ones.  Just need to the time to actually get them finished, there are seiously not enough hours in the day!

 

I hope everyone (all 3 of you that read this) have a wonderful New Year!  Here's to kicking some serious ass in

 

2013!!!

 

 

 



Bling bling

I've been divorced for almost 4 years now and I've been holding on to my wedding ring that entire time. 

I knew I wanted to do something with it, I just didn't know what.  I don't honestly believe my ring, while gorgeous, would be something The Stinker would ever want.  She'll want to pick out her own ring someday.  I also didn't want to take it to the nearest Pawn Shop and hock it for cash. 

The X got my ring at a pretty awesome store here in town.  I recently found out they have a "trade up" program for stones purchased in their store - so with my two besties in tow, away we went!  

Basically I got the actual price The X paid for my diamond to "trade in" on something new.  HOLY SHIT!  I was like a kid in a candy store.  I felt like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.  "I have all this money.... "

So what did I get????  I knew EXACTLY what I wanted.  They usually want you to pick out one single item to trade up for.  Since I know a couple of people that work there I was able to bend the rules a little and pick out two things for the amount they'd given me. 

The first thing I went for was a watch that I've literally wanted since I was about 25 years old.  I have had many fake versions I've purchased in NYC or in the Caribbean/Mexico on cruises, but I've never been able to afford the real thing. 

She's a beauty and I in 100% in love.  It has a smaller face than what I'm used to (hello BIG HUGE man watches I usually wear) but it's gorg non the less.

 

 

 

After that mind blowing experience I headed over to the anniversary band cases.  I picked out a simple anniversary band with 3 rows of diamonds set in white gold.  This is something that the Stinker can hopefully wear for years and years after I'm gone.  It's simple and classic and exactly what I wanted. 

 

Don't look at my old lady hands....

 

 

All in all the whole experience letting go of my beautiful ring was more emotional than I thought it would be.  BUT I now have two pieces of great jewelry that I will treasure forever.     



Comfort

I've been single for quite awhile now... almost a year *gasp*! 

I'm great at the self deprecating humor about my lady bits falling off from non use but I really do wish I had someone in my life.

Weeks like this are the reason I wish I had someone around.  This need actually has nothing to do with my lady parts, I would like to have "a person" who I could go to.  Someone that would listen to me bitch about how unfair life is, or someone who would hold me while I have a good ugly cry on their shoulder. 

Comfort.  That is what I miss most about being single.  Having a person in my life that I can count on no matter what....

What?? I'm still here - kinda

I'm still alive. 

Life has been... well... interesting around here. 

Something I've been thinking about doing for over a year or so started to *almost* come to fruition.  I don't want to jinx anything by opening my big mouth until I know what's going to happen... I'll come back with more deets, I promise!  

I have started working out a lot more and my body hates me.  Getting old fucking sucks.  I had reconstructive surgery on my left ankle about 20 years ago (cheerleading injury - gay) and with all the new activity lately it's been sooo painful.  I signed up for Jazzercise, which I LOVE - must be the old cheerleader in me, ha.  During class my stupid ankle keeps giving out on me which is a Jazzercise FAIL because then I fall down.  Yep.  Hey!  Look at the new fat girl in the back sweating her ass off... well, she fell down so the skinny bitch leading the class can use her microphone thingy to ask if I'm ok which makes EVERYONE in the class turn and look at me.  Awesomesauce. 

My friends kinda suck lately.  I don't even have the energy to go into much detail because I realize I'll sound pathetic and stupid.  Basically my two very best friends have made a new friend who is apparently way cooler than me, so I've been getting the shaft.  Sucks.

The X and I are taking The Stinker to Disneyworld in December.  It's going to be a surprise and we haven't decided yet weather to wake her up the morning of and SURPRISE her or maybe tell her the weekend before.  Either way she's going to shit her pants she'll be so excited.  We are going to have a great time! 

 

Happy Fall everyone! 

Haunting

I found this post on a new blog I came across... The blog is called Curvy Girls and you can check it out here. 

I've always been the curvy girl.  Not necessarily the "fat friend" but usually the "fattEST friend" of the group.  No matter how much I exercise or starve myself I will never be a size 6.  It's just not genetically possible. 

This post (which I've copied below) brought tears to my eyes and explaines EXACTLY how I feel most of the time around my friends.  



"I’ve felt like the fat friend my entire life. Even though, looking back on it now, I would kill to look the way I did in high school, but even then, I was the biggest girl on the cheerleading squad and the one written about on the bathroom wall.

Meredith Ludwig is a big blue pig.

 

I must have had a blue shirt on that particular day. As it turns out, thighs that rub together in high school aren’t very cool.

In order to keep my sanity and not be one of those girls who hated everyone, I developed a self deprecating sense of humor that looks at the world and says, “Do you think it’s funny to make fat jokes about me? OMG! So do I! Let me show you what Spanx look like! I actually invented them my Freshman year of college, and had I known it was marketable to cut the toes out of your pantyhose, I’d be super rich today!”

But the truth of the matter is, unless you are the fat friend in your group, you have no idea how left out you can feel at times simply because of your size.

Sometimes I feel like I’m kept around to make my other friends feel better about themselves. Do you need more motivation to eat a salad and take your daily run? Take a look at me. Don’t worry, I’ll just be sitting here stressing out about my double chin in that photo you tagged of me on Facebook.
Some days it’s easy to be friends with my friends, and some days it’s extremely difficult.

Shopping With You

Can we just shop at places that have both of our sizes? I agree with you. Express has some really cute clothes. Here’s the thing about Express, nothing fits me there. I hate it, but I’m too ashamed to admit this to you. It’s just easier to write it, and hopefully, since I think you really are my friend, you’ll stop asking me to go there.

I also don’t want to share a dressing room. I cannot buy things without trying them on, unless it’s something stretchy. My jeans are more comfortable with stretchy stuff in them, so please stop telling me to get a “regular” pair of jeans.

And I cut the tags out of my suit jackets and coats. This way, when I take them off at work, no one will see that it says size 14 or XL.

Being Your Bridesmaid

Please, please, please do not ask me to be in your wedding. It’s not that I don’t want to be in your wedding, or be shown off to the world as your best friend, but I can’t do it in a short, hot pink, strapless dress. I really cannot wear this dress twelve weeks after I’ve given birth. It takes a minute for my fat-girl body to bounce back. And by a minute, I mean I’m still working on it three years later.
I know I don’t look pretty. I don’t feel pretty. I feel like a whale crammed into a tiny pink dress. And why am I ordering a size 24 dress anyway? What is the deal with wedding dress designers? I’m a pretty solid 14, but the dress shop wants to make sure I have “plenty of room for giant boobs…” as they shout out the dress size for the rest of the bridal party to hear.

You see, I’ll never complain about the tiny dress your size 4 cousin picked for us. I wouldn’t dare. It’s your special day, and a real friend won’t sabotage the best day of your life. I’ll wear the dress (silently) grudgingly, swear off carbs for two months, and cry the morning of your wedding before arriving at the church.

My tears will be justified since at your wedding reception, I will overhear an older girl from our high school say,

Is that Meredith Soleau? Jeez. She blew up!

 

And then I’ll wrap myself in that shawl thing you gave us and drink myself into a stupor. But I’ll do this for you, because we are best friends, and I’ll apologize later when I don’t look as pretty as the rest of the girls in your very expensive photos.

Pictures With You

Picmonkey is my best friend. I can use the “clone” tool like no one’s business.
I want the world to see us when we went to New York City together for that girls weekend, but I can’t stomach my flabby arm next to your skinny arm.
See? All fixed.

Photo courtesy of Lotus.

I beg of you, please don’t tag me on Facebook before I’ve decided if my head is tilted in that special way, in a complete down-shot, so my double chin isn’t visible. And for the love of everything holy, please let me stand in the back of the photo. I want to hide my belly if I can.

Please understand, I’m super self conscious of myself in photos ever since that pink dress wedding. So when I see, “So-and-so has tagged you in a photo on Facebook.” I literally stop whatever I am doing, and run to the computer.

Your computer is not broken. Do not continue to re-tag photos of me that look like this:



This picture is from three years ago, and it still haunts me.

Working Out With You

I finally broke down in your kitchen and balled my eyes out.

I’m fat and I hate myself for it. Look at you. You work out. You deserve to look the way you look. Please take me with you to the gym.

 

You hug me and pet my hair and tell me lies.

You’re not fat, honey. You’re really thin. Almost gaunt. And anyone that says differently is a liar. But you can work out with me. Have you ever tried Spinning? It’s great for any fitness level!

 

I end up loving Spinning, for the first five minutes. And then that small bike seat really starts to hurt my big butt. I really want to stop, but I can’t stop because I don’t want you to think I’m a quitter.

Push through the pain, Meredith!

 

The… bike… I think… I’m… too… my butt…. How much… longer?

 

Meredith! Are you okay over there?! You can’t even talk , and your face is so red! We still have fifty-five more minutes to go!

 

Yes, I actually do feel like I’m dying. Fifty five minutes?! On Friday, when this class meets again, I’ll have plans. It’s basically a survival tactic at this point because again, I am too embarrassed to tell you I cannot do something you can do.

Going Out With You

That new club that opened up downtown; the one with the $20 cover that you never have to pay, and you know I won’t have to pay it if I come as your guest?

I don’t want to go to that club.

I will be the only person there with spanx and a line of back sweat down her red JC Penny dress. 

You, on the other hand, you will be stunning just like you always are. All the boys will buy you drinks, and you’ll be telling them to grab one for me as well.

At this club, I become your DFF (designated fat friend).

It’s not that I require men to buy me drinks. Actually, I’d prefer to buy my own drinks, and I am sure my husband would prefer that as well. It just feels really weird when you keep reminding the guy (who is slobbering all over) that it’s rude to ignore me.

Just let me buy my own drinks.

Let me pay the cover without feeling totally disgusting when you threaten the doorman by saying, “What about Meredith? I don’t go in if she has to pay.”

And know that I appreciate what you’re doing here, I really do, I love you for it. You’re making sure I feel included. But kindly know that sometimes, I sincerely don’t feel comfortable doing the same things you do.

And this isn’t me asking you for a compliment. This is me saying to you,

I know I’m the fat friend. I’m coming to terms with it. You and I don’t have to act like I look like someone I’m not.

 

I know this isn’t your problem, it’s mine. Thank you for being so patient as I sort all of this out."

Thankful Thursday

I'm going to try and do this on a regular basis.  I've been pretty down this week and I really do need to remember how very much I have to be thankful for.

I'm thankful to have a sassy, yet very well behaved little girl compared to a lot of kids I know.  She makes my heart smile and I love her dearly.

I'm thankful that I live in a place where I can enjoy the changing seasons.  Yes - I bitch and moan about winter every freaking year, but when you get right down to it I'd be sad to miss the fall and spring.  I love this time of year. 

I'm thankful for my ex.  Yes... strangest statement ever, but I am.  I'm thankful that I have a very amicable divorce and that he and I were able to remain friends.

 

I'm thankful for a very cool and understanding boss.  She is amazing to work for and I feel lucky to know that someone truly has my back at work.  That's a good feeling. 

 

I'm so thankful with a renewed relationship with my favorite aunt. 

 

 

What are you all thankful for today?  

TWENTY YEARS!

How is it even possible that I graduated from High School 20 freaking years ago! 

I don't usually share to many pictures of myself on this here bloggy, but THIS?  Way too good not to share.

The BFF that I mention on here constantly has been my sidekick since we were 10 years old and I'm going to be 39 next week.  That's a long damn time to have her in my life and I wouldn't change a thing.  

Here we are our senior year (20 years ago) and earlier this summer. 

I'm so lucky to have her in my life and..... DAYUM we look better now!  Love you, BFF! 

Changes

I've had it with the dating game... I am exhausted, beat up and just D.O.N.E.

 

The "newbie" that I had posted about awhile ago?  I don't even have the words to describe what happened with that one.  I hit a new ultimate low in the dating game.  He was seemingly perfect.  Smart, funny, adorable, good family, great job, sweet to me... then he dropped a bomb of EPIC proportions on me about two weeks ago.  I haven't decided if I want to discuss it on here, but it was 100% a deal breaker for me, so he had to go...  

It's just tiring.  I put all my heart and soul into getting to know someone... I start to let them in a little teeny tiny bit and BAM!  Sucker punched every time!   

Yesterday I interviewed for a new job within my company.  No one around me has any clue this is even a possibility (Hi BFF, sorry I haven't mentioned this!)  It's a job I know I would enjoy doing and I'd be very good at it, but it's a job that would change my life in many ways.  Right now I'm in middle management but can leave work at work and I only travel for fun. 

That would change completely.  I'd become the girl tethered to my phone/email and gone from home at least 2-3 nights a week.  This position would more than double my pay (which is a good thing) but at a cost.  I would have NO time to date as the nights that I'd be at home I'd want The Stinker with me.  My "free" time would be spent in a hotel in the cities around my new territory - SEVEN states in the Midwest.  Yeah... rewarding, but very exhausting. 

I interviewed for this job because I'm ready for a change.  I feel like maybe I want to be more focused on my career and myself and less focused on what a debacle my social life is.  I want to be married to my job for now and less worried about finding the one. 

This all may be "moo" as I might not even get the position, but even if I don't I will be making changes around here.  Watch out!


  

Just gotta have faith....

I finally did it! 

About two weekends ago the BFF and I went back to Iowa for our hometown Summerfest party.  It's a beer tent kind of weekend that we try and never miss.  It's fun to see peeps from High School since neither of us live in the area.  Let's be honest... we also go home because we both look way better now than we did back then so it's fun to flaunt it a bit.  Yes, we are "those" girls.   

On Saturday afternoon we had an appointment to FINALLY get the tattoos that we've been talking about for what seems like years! 

About 13 years ago we both got our first tattoos together (I got a small sun on my right ankle, she got a different kind of sun on her back shoulder) and we decided it was time for some more ink.     

So after a few beers for courage, I made the BFF go first and she did great!  I on the other hand wanted to die.  If she'd had been honest with me after she was done about how bad it hurt (I think she has a MUCH higher tolerance for pain), I'm not sure that I would have gone through with it. 

Once I was done sweating like crazy and trying not to barf or cry, I realized it was 100% worth it.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE it and I'm so proud of myself for actually doing it.  Faith is my daughter's middle name and I really have had a lot of faith in my life.  I am so in love with everything about it. 

BFF will randomly send me a picture of hers (also on her wrist) with a text that says, "Hey... remember when we got these BAD ASS tattoos?  We rock".  That my friends, is good stuff. 

Newbie





My girlfriends and I went out for some drinks last night which is always a good time.  The interesting part of the evening is that a guy who I've been casually dating for about 2 months joined us later in the evening.  This is BIG SUPER ZOMG EXCITING news for me.  Before he got there, we ended up talking about the last time they met someone I was dating.  I realized it's been longer than I care to admit since I had anyone worth introducing in my life.  Dry spell?  Party of one, please. 

When the discussion of my past dudes came up, and with the help of some liquid courage, they started telling me what they really thought of the people I've dated over the last three years.  Ouch.  What I don't understand is why don't they tell me these things when I'm in that moment and it's really happening?  I do realize I probably wouldn't have listened, but I wish they would have at least tried!   

After discussing the pros and cons of the few people I dated, BFF admits that "the one" I dated is the only person she ever really truly saw me with long term and one of the few I dated that she really liked herself.  He's the first one I dated after splitsville and I royally screwed the pooch on that one.  WHY??  I wish she'd shook the shit out of me back then and made me realize what I was throwing away by being a total fucktard at the time.  None of the other guys (except for one she HATED) really had anything wrong with them per say, she just didn't see us together for evah.      

All in all BFF really liked the newbie (gotta come up with a name for him in case he sticks around) and she was impressed with how the relationship is going so far.  We are taking it slow and enjoying "dating" without being serious and moving too quickly, which is usually my MO.

We'll see how this all plays out..... wish I could say my heart was more into the whole thing, but maybe that will come with time.  A house full of cats are still a very real option for me. 

Summer

I always seem to end up with one song each summer that becomes our summer jam. 

I love having an anthem for each year and then hearing that song later and remembering all the fun times we  had.  

Springsteen by Eric Church has taken the sweet spot for my friends and I this summer. 

I love the song.  I love the lyrics.  I love the things it makes me remember and the way I feel with those memories tumbling around.   

I don't really have a love from when I was 17 that I think about, but there are some loves in my life that do come to mind almost once a day....

"If bumped into you by happenstance
You probably wouldn't even know who I am
But if I, whispered your name
I bet there'd still be a spark"

"When I think about you, I think about 17,
I think about my old jeep
I think about the stars in the sky
Funny how a melody sounds like a memory
Like a soundtrack to a July Saturday night
Springsteen."

Happy Summer everyone!

My mother would be so disappointed

The BFF and I are heading back to our hometown next weekend and after what seems like 2 years of discussing our potential tattoos I think we are going to finally do it!

We each already have one (mine is a small sun on my ankle, means nothing important it was pretty and I was young - 'nuff said) and want another. 

BFF is getting her two daughter's first initials intertwined on her wrist.  Should be very dainty and pretty. 

I was going to get the word "Faith" on my wrist, but now I'm on the fence.  Stick with me.....

Faith is my daughter's middle name and through my life (dog attacking me, losing both of my parents, my divorce and starting over) I've had to have a lot of Faith.  For multiple reasons it's the perfect word for me.  

I like the font on "believe"

After thinking I had totally made my decision I found this. 

This is the Celtic Motherhood knot and I lourve it!  I am very Irish.  I was just in Ireland (loved it!) and I wanted my tattoo to have something to do with my amazing daughter.  It's perfect.  Now what? 

I don't know where I would put this one... back shoulder?  Stick with the wrist?  GAH!  Help!!