Raw

There are times that I wonder why I'm even putting forth the effort to try and meet someone amazing.  My life is pretty damn awesome but after a week like this - I have NO IDEA why I care about finding a partner to share my life with.  It's too much work and I'm tired of getting my heart stomped on. 

 

I met someone about 2 weeks ago... adorable, very successful, great family, 36, dark hair and eyes, pretty short, and witty which is my kryptonite.  For our first date I met him at a super pretentious but delicious restaurant downtown.  We shared a very expensive bottle of wine and had one of those nights where time stood still.  We talked and talked and talked.  Before we knew it the restaurant was kicking us out and we found ourselves walking around downtown hand in hand.  At one point he pulled me towards him, put both hands on my face, told me I was the most amazing and beautiful person he'd met in a very long time and he kissed me.  Really kissed me.  I went into full on "girl mode", my knees buckled and my heart literally skipped a beat.  It was an amazing moment.  We ended up back at his loft and talked and kissed until way too late (and no, we didn't do that!).  It will forever go down in the history books as one of the VERY BEST DATES I've ever had.  He said all the right things, he was a total gentleman, he was sweet and caring and thoughtful - it was 100% perfect from beginning to end. 

 

We made plans to do something about 4 days later and he ended up cooking dinner for me in his loft that night.  It was again one of those perfect nights where I wanted to pinch myself the entire time.  It was fun and easy and comfortable.  It felt like we'd been doing this dating thing together for years. 
 

The next week went by and I didn't hear much from him which was fine.  I was busy.  I know he's busy.  No big deal.  We had plans to do something Saturday night.  I got a text that day about 4pm saying he was sick and wasn't going to be able to do anything.  He said he was sorry and that he still wanted to see me before I left for my vacation (about 5 days later) but that night wouldn't work.  That's the last I've heard from him.  Literally.  I asked how he was feeling on Sunday - nothing.  A quick text to "see if he was alive Monday" - nothing.  At that point I stopped trying.  He obviously doesn't want to hear from me and while it's making me INSANE in the membrane not knowing what happened, I'm not that girl that will blow up his phone when it's very clear he wants nothing more to do with me.
 

I don't like being this girl who is visibly hurt and vulnerable.  I am crushed and I feel totally broken right now.  I don't know that I will ever find someone who will stick around and truly love me for me.  I refuse to settle but it seems the ones I want never want me back. 
 

It's a tough pill to swallow and for now I'm just done trying... I used to think I was "a catch" that could land just about any guy I wanted and lately with all this heartbreak I realize that isn't the case.
 

Done.  I'm just totally and completely done.