Haunting

I found this post on a new blog I came across... The blog is called Curvy Girls and you can check it out here. 

I've always been the curvy girl.  Not necessarily the "fat friend" but usually the "fattEST friend" of the group.  No matter how much I exercise or starve myself I will never be a size 6.  It's just not genetically possible. 

This post (which I've copied below) brought tears to my eyes and explaines EXACTLY how I feel most of the time around my friends.  



"I’ve felt like the fat friend my entire life. Even though, looking back on it now, I would kill to look the way I did in high school, but even then, I was the biggest girl on the cheerleading squad and the one written about on the bathroom wall.

Meredith Ludwig is a big blue pig.

 

I must have had a blue shirt on that particular day. As it turns out, thighs that rub together in high school aren’t very cool.

In order to keep my sanity and not be one of those girls who hated everyone, I developed a self deprecating sense of humor that looks at the world and says, “Do you think it’s funny to make fat jokes about me? OMG! So do I! Let me show you what Spanx look like! I actually invented them my Freshman year of college, and had I known it was marketable to cut the toes out of your pantyhose, I’d be super rich today!”

But the truth of the matter is, unless you are the fat friend in your group, you have no idea how left out you can feel at times simply because of your size.

Sometimes I feel like I’m kept around to make my other friends feel better about themselves. Do you need more motivation to eat a salad and take your daily run? Take a look at me. Don’t worry, I’ll just be sitting here stressing out about my double chin in that photo you tagged of me on Facebook.
Some days it’s easy to be friends with my friends, and some days it’s extremely difficult.

Shopping With You

Can we just shop at places that have both of our sizes? I agree with you. Express has some really cute clothes. Here’s the thing about Express, nothing fits me there. I hate it, but I’m too ashamed to admit this to you. It’s just easier to write it, and hopefully, since I think you really are my friend, you’ll stop asking me to go there.

I also don’t want to share a dressing room. I cannot buy things without trying them on, unless it’s something stretchy. My jeans are more comfortable with stretchy stuff in them, so please stop telling me to get a “regular” pair of jeans.

And I cut the tags out of my suit jackets and coats. This way, when I take them off at work, no one will see that it says size 14 or XL.

Being Your Bridesmaid

Please, please, please do not ask me to be in your wedding. It’s not that I don’t want to be in your wedding, or be shown off to the world as your best friend, but I can’t do it in a short, hot pink, strapless dress. I really cannot wear this dress twelve weeks after I’ve given birth. It takes a minute for my fat-girl body to bounce back. And by a minute, I mean I’m still working on it three years later.
I know I don’t look pretty. I don’t feel pretty. I feel like a whale crammed into a tiny pink dress. And why am I ordering a size 24 dress anyway? What is the deal with wedding dress designers? I’m a pretty solid 14, but the dress shop wants to make sure I have “plenty of room for giant boobs…” as they shout out the dress size for the rest of the bridal party to hear.

You see, I’ll never complain about the tiny dress your size 4 cousin picked for us. I wouldn’t dare. It’s your special day, and a real friend won’t sabotage the best day of your life. I’ll wear the dress (silently) grudgingly, swear off carbs for two months, and cry the morning of your wedding before arriving at the church.

My tears will be justified since at your wedding reception, I will overhear an older girl from our high school say,

Is that Meredith Soleau? Jeez. She blew up!

 

And then I’ll wrap myself in that shawl thing you gave us and drink myself into a stupor. But I’ll do this for you, because we are best friends, and I’ll apologize later when I don’t look as pretty as the rest of the girls in your very expensive photos.

Pictures With You

Picmonkey is my best friend. I can use the “clone” tool like no one’s business.
I want the world to see us when we went to New York City together for that girls weekend, but I can’t stomach my flabby arm next to your skinny arm.
See? All fixed.

Photo courtesy of Lotus.

I beg of you, please don’t tag me on Facebook before I’ve decided if my head is tilted in that special way, in a complete down-shot, so my double chin isn’t visible. And for the love of everything holy, please let me stand in the back of the photo. I want to hide my belly if I can.

Please understand, I’m super self conscious of myself in photos ever since that pink dress wedding. So when I see, “So-and-so has tagged you in a photo on Facebook.” I literally stop whatever I am doing, and run to the computer.

Your computer is not broken. Do not continue to re-tag photos of me that look like this:



This picture is from three years ago, and it still haunts me.

Working Out With You

I finally broke down in your kitchen and balled my eyes out.

I’m fat and I hate myself for it. Look at you. You work out. You deserve to look the way you look. Please take me with you to the gym.

 

You hug me and pet my hair and tell me lies.

You’re not fat, honey. You’re really thin. Almost gaunt. And anyone that says differently is a liar. But you can work out with me. Have you ever tried Spinning? It’s great for any fitness level!

 

I end up loving Spinning, for the first five minutes. And then that small bike seat really starts to hurt my big butt. I really want to stop, but I can’t stop because I don’t want you to think I’m a quitter.

Push through the pain, Meredith!

 

The… bike… I think… I’m… too… my butt…. How much… longer?

 

Meredith! Are you okay over there?! You can’t even talk , and your face is so red! We still have fifty-five more minutes to go!

 

Yes, I actually do feel like I’m dying. Fifty five minutes?! On Friday, when this class meets again, I’ll have plans. It’s basically a survival tactic at this point because again, I am too embarrassed to tell you I cannot do something you can do.

Going Out With You

That new club that opened up downtown; the one with the $20 cover that you never have to pay, and you know I won’t have to pay it if I come as your guest?

I don’t want to go to that club.

I will be the only person there with spanx and a line of back sweat down her red JC Penny dress. 

You, on the other hand, you will be stunning just like you always are. All the boys will buy you drinks, and you’ll be telling them to grab one for me as well.

At this club, I become your DFF (designated fat friend).

It’s not that I require men to buy me drinks. Actually, I’d prefer to buy my own drinks, and I am sure my husband would prefer that as well. It just feels really weird when you keep reminding the guy (who is slobbering all over) that it’s rude to ignore me.

Just let me buy my own drinks.

Let me pay the cover without feeling totally disgusting when you threaten the doorman by saying, “What about Meredith? I don’t go in if she has to pay.”

And know that I appreciate what you’re doing here, I really do, I love you for it. You’re making sure I feel included. But kindly know that sometimes, I sincerely don’t feel comfortable doing the same things you do.

And this isn’t me asking you for a compliment. This is me saying to you,

I know I’m the fat friend. I’m coming to terms with it. You and I don’t have to act like I look like someone I’m not.

 

I know this isn’t your problem, it’s mine. Thank you for being so patient as I sort all of this out."

Thankful Thursday

I'm going to try and do this on a regular basis.  I've been pretty down this week and I really do need to remember how very much I have to be thankful for.

I'm thankful to have a sassy, yet very well behaved little girl compared to a lot of kids I know.  She makes my heart smile and I love her dearly.

I'm thankful that I live in a place where I can enjoy the changing seasons.  Yes - I bitch and moan about winter every freaking year, but when you get right down to it I'd be sad to miss the fall and spring.  I love this time of year. 

I'm thankful for my ex.  Yes... strangest statement ever, but I am.  I'm thankful that I have a very amicable divorce and that he and I were able to remain friends.

 

I'm thankful for a very cool and understanding boss.  She is amazing to work for and I feel lucky to know that someone truly has my back at work.  That's a good feeling. 

 

I'm so thankful with a renewed relationship with my favorite aunt. 

 

 

What are you all thankful for today?  

TWENTY YEARS!

How is it even possible that I graduated from High School 20 freaking years ago! 

I don't usually share to many pictures of myself on this here bloggy, but THIS?  Way too good not to share.

The BFF that I mention on here constantly has been my sidekick since we were 10 years old and I'm going to be 39 next week.  That's a long damn time to have her in my life and I wouldn't change a thing.  

Here we are our senior year (20 years ago) and earlier this summer. 

I'm so lucky to have her in my life and..... DAYUM we look better now!  Love you, BFF! 

Changes

I've had it with the dating game... I am exhausted, beat up and just D.O.N.E.

 

The "newbie" that I had posted about awhile ago?  I don't even have the words to describe what happened with that one.  I hit a new ultimate low in the dating game.  He was seemingly perfect.  Smart, funny, adorable, good family, great job, sweet to me... then he dropped a bomb of EPIC proportions on me about two weeks ago.  I haven't decided if I want to discuss it on here, but it was 100% a deal breaker for me, so he had to go...  

It's just tiring.  I put all my heart and soul into getting to know someone... I start to let them in a little teeny tiny bit and BAM!  Sucker punched every time!   

Yesterday I interviewed for a new job within my company.  No one around me has any clue this is even a possibility (Hi BFF, sorry I haven't mentioned this!)  It's a job I know I would enjoy doing and I'd be very good at it, but it's a job that would change my life in many ways.  Right now I'm in middle management but can leave work at work and I only travel for fun. 

That would change completely.  I'd become the girl tethered to my phone/email and gone from home at least 2-3 nights a week.  This position would more than double my pay (which is a good thing) but at a cost.  I would have NO time to date as the nights that I'd be at home I'd want The Stinker with me.  My "free" time would be spent in a hotel in the cities around my new territory - SEVEN states in the Midwest.  Yeah... rewarding, but very exhausting. 

I interviewed for this job because I'm ready for a change.  I feel like maybe I want to be more focused on my career and myself and less focused on what a debacle my social life is.  I want to be married to my job for now and less worried about finding the one. 

This all may be "moo" as I might not even get the position, but even if I don't I will be making changes around here.  Watch out!


  

Just gotta have faith....

I finally did it! 

About two weekends ago the BFF and I went back to Iowa for our hometown Summerfest party.  It's a beer tent kind of weekend that we try and never miss.  It's fun to see peeps from High School since neither of us live in the area.  Let's be honest... we also go home because we both look way better now than we did back then so it's fun to flaunt it a bit.  Yes, we are "those" girls.   

On Saturday afternoon we had an appointment to FINALLY get the tattoos that we've been talking about for what seems like years! 

About 13 years ago we both got our first tattoos together (I got a small sun on my right ankle, she got a different kind of sun on her back shoulder) and we decided it was time for some more ink.     

So after a few beers for courage, I made the BFF go first and she did great!  I on the other hand wanted to die.  If she'd had been honest with me after she was done about how bad it hurt (I think she has a MUCH higher tolerance for pain), I'm not sure that I would have gone through with it. 

Once I was done sweating like crazy and trying not to barf or cry, I realized it was 100% worth it.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE it and I'm so proud of myself for actually doing it.  Faith is my daughter's middle name and I really have had a lot of faith in my life.  I am so in love with everything about it. 

BFF will randomly send me a picture of hers (also on her wrist) with a text that says, "Hey... remember when we got these BAD ASS tattoos?  We rock".  That my friends, is good stuff. 

Newbie





My girlfriends and I went out for some drinks last night which is always a good time.  The interesting part of the evening is that a guy who I've been casually dating for about 2 months joined us later in the evening.  This is BIG SUPER ZOMG EXCITING news for me.  Before he got there, we ended up talking about the last time they met someone I was dating.  I realized it's been longer than I care to admit since I had anyone worth introducing in my life.  Dry spell?  Party of one, please. 

When the discussion of my past dudes came up, and with the help of some liquid courage, they started telling me what they really thought of the people I've dated over the last three years.  Ouch.  What I don't understand is why don't they tell me these things when I'm in that moment and it's really happening?  I do realize I probably wouldn't have listened, but I wish they would have at least tried!   

After discussing the pros and cons of the few people I dated, BFF admits that "the one" I dated is the only person she ever really truly saw me with long term and one of the few I dated that she really liked herself.  He's the first one I dated after splitsville and I royally screwed the pooch on that one.  WHY??  I wish she'd shook the shit out of me back then and made me realize what I was throwing away by being a total fucktard at the time.  None of the other guys (except for one she HATED) really had anything wrong with them per say, she just didn't see us together for evah.      

All in all BFF really liked the newbie (gotta come up with a name for him in case he sticks around) and she was impressed with how the relationship is going so far.  We are taking it slow and enjoying "dating" without being serious and moving too quickly, which is usually my MO.

We'll see how this all plays out..... wish I could say my heart was more into the whole thing, but maybe that will come with time.  A house full of cats are still a very real option for me. 

Summer

I always seem to end up with one song each summer that becomes our summer jam. 

I love having an anthem for each year and then hearing that song later and remembering all the fun times we  had.  

Springsteen by Eric Church has taken the sweet spot for my friends and I this summer. 

I love the song.  I love the lyrics.  I love the things it makes me remember and the way I feel with those memories tumbling around.   

I don't really have a love from when I was 17 that I think about, but there are some loves in my life that do come to mind almost once a day....

"If bumped into you by happenstance
You probably wouldn't even know who I am
But if I, whispered your name
I bet there'd still be a spark"

"When I think about you, I think about 17,
I think about my old jeep
I think about the stars in the sky
Funny how a melody sounds like a memory
Like a soundtrack to a July Saturday night
Springsteen."

Happy Summer everyone!