Changes

I've had it with the dating game... I am exhausted, beat up and just D.O.N.E.

 

The "newbie" that I had posted about awhile ago?  I don't even have the words to describe what happened with that one.  I hit a new ultimate low in the dating game.  He was seemingly perfect.  Smart, funny, adorable, good family, great job, sweet to me... then he dropped a bomb of EPIC proportions on me about two weeks ago.  I haven't decided if I want to discuss it on here, but it was 100% a deal breaker for me, so he had to go...  

It's just tiring.  I put all my heart and soul into getting to know someone... I start to let them in a little teeny tiny bit and BAM!  Sucker punched every time!   

Yesterday I interviewed for a new job within my company.  No one around me has any clue this is even a possibility (Hi BFF, sorry I haven't mentioned this!)  It's a job I know I would enjoy doing and I'd be very good at it, but it's a job that would change my life in many ways.  Right now I'm in middle management but can leave work at work and I only travel for fun. 

That would change completely.  I'd become the girl tethered to my phone/email and gone from home at least 2-3 nights a week.  This position would more than double my pay (which is a good thing) but at a cost.  I would have NO time to date as the nights that I'd be at home I'd want The Stinker with me.  My "free" time would be spent in a hotel in the cities around my new territory - SEVEN states in the Midwest.  Yeah... rewarding, but very exhausting. 

I interviewed for this job because I'm ready for a change.  I feel like maybe I want to be more focused on my career and myself and less focused on what a debacle my social life is.  I want to be married to my job for now and less worried about finding the one. 

This all may be "moo" as I might not even get the position, but even if I don't I will be making changes around here.  Watch out!


  

Just gotta have faith....

I finally did it! 

About two weekends ago the BFF and I went back to Iowa for our hometown Summerfest party.  It's a beer tent kind of weekend that we try and never miss.  It's fun to see peeps from High School since neither of us live in the area.  Let's be honest... we also go home because we both look way better now than we did back then so it's fun to flaunt it a bit.  Yes, we are "those" girls.   

On Saturday afternoon we had an appointment to FINALLY get the tattoos that we've been talking about for what seems like years! 

About 13 years ago we both got our first tattoos together (I got a small sun on my right ankle, she got a different kind of sun on her back shoulder) and we decided it was time for some more ink.     

So after a few beers for courage, I made the BFF go first and she did great!  I on the other hand wanted to die.  If she'd had been honest with me after she was done about how bad it hurt (I think she has a MUCH higher tolerance for pain), I'm not sure that I would have gone through with it. 

Once I was done sweating like crazy and trying not to barf or cry, I realized it was 100% worth it.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE it and I'm so proud of myself for actually doing it.  Faith is my daughter's middle name and I really have had a lot of faith in my life.  I am so in love with everything about it. 

BFF will randomly send me a picture of hers (also on her wrist) with a text that says, "Hey... remember when we got these BAD ASS tattoos?  We rock".  That my friends, is good stuff. 

Newbie





My girlfriends and I went out for some drinks last night which is always a good time.  The interesting part of the evening is that a guy who I've been casually dating for about 2 months joined us later in the evening.  This is BIG SUPER ZOMG EXCITING news for me.  Before he got there, we ended up talking about the last time they met someone I was dating.  I realized it's been longer than I care to admit since I had anyone worth introducing in my life.  Dry spell?  Party of one, please. 

When the discussion of my past dudes came up, and with the help of some liquid courage, they started telling me what they really thought of the people I've dated over the last three years.  Ouch.  What I don't understand is why don't they tell me these things when I'm in that moment and it's really happening?  I do realize I probably wouldn't have listened, but I wish they would have at least tried!   

After discussing the pros and cons of the few people I dated, BFF admits that "the one" I dated is the only person she ever really truly saw me with long term and one of the few I dated that she really liked herself.  He's the first one I dated after splitsville and I royally screwed the pooch on that one.  WHY??  I wish she'd shook the shit out of me back then and made me realize what I was throwing away by being a total fucktard at the time.  None of the other guys (except for one she HATED) really had anything wrong with them per say, she just didn't see us together for evah.      

All in all BFF really liked the newbie (gotta come up with a name for him in case he sticks around) and she was impressed with how the relationship is going so far.  We are taking it slow and enjoying "dating" without being serious and moving too quickly, which is usually my MO.

We'll see how this all plays out..... wish I could say my heart was more into the whole thing, but maybe that will come with time.  A house full of cats are still a very real option for me. 

Summer

I always seem to end up with one song each summer that becomes our summer jam. 

I love having an anthem for each year and then hearing that song later and remembering all the fun times we  had.  

Springsteen by Eric Church has taken the sweet spot for my friends and I this summer. 

I love the song.  I love the lyrics.  I love the things it makes me remember and the way I feel with those memories tumbling around.   

I don't really have a love from when I was 17 that I think about, but there are some loves in my life that do come to mind almost once a day....

"If bumped into you by happenstance
You probably wouldn't even know who I am
But if I, whispered your name
I bet there'd still be a spark"

"When I think about you, I think about 17,
I think about my old jeep
I think about the stars in the sky
Funny how a melody sounds like a memory
Like a soundtrack to a July Saturday night
Springsteen."

Happy Summer everyone!

My mother would be so disappointed

The BFF and I are heading back to our hometown next weekend and after what seems like 2 years of discussing our potential tattoos I think we are going to finally do it!

We each already have one (mine is a small sun on my ankle, means nothing important it was pretty and I was young - 'nuff said) and want another. 

BFF is getting her two daughter's first initials intertwined on her wrist.  Should be very dainty and pretty. 

I was going to get the word "Faith" on my wrist, but now I'm on the fence.  Stick with me.....

Faith is my daughter's middle name and through my life (dog attacking me, losing both of my parents, my divorce and starting over) I've had to have a lot of Faith.  For multiple reasons it's the perfect word for me.  

I like the font on "believe"

After thinking I had totally made my decision I found this. 

This is the Celtic Motherhood knot and I lourve it!  I am very Irish.  I was just in Ireland (loved it!) and I wanted my tattoo to have something to do with my amazing daughter.  It's perfect.  Now what? 

I don't know where I would put this one... back shoulder?  Stick with the wrist?  GAH!  Help!!  

Letting go....

This is an older post that I had sitting in drafts.... Don't feel quite as raw as when I wrote this, but I do still wonder about him.....


I'm having a terrible time letting go of something.  More specifically letting go of someone. 

I don't know how to do this and the someone is not making it any easier.  Why would he contact me if he's happily with someone else?  Why me and why now?   It's been over 3 years since we so abruptly ended our relationship.  Why would he admit he thinks about me often when he's with her? 

I keep thinking about "what if's" and I can't help but wonder if he's thinking the same thing. 

What if he was still in my life?  What would it be like?

I think we'd be happily co-habitating under one roof and loving life.  We'd have 3 kids, two dogs and a whole lotta love. 

I'd be driving him nuts with my short temper and sassiness, he'd be bugging me with his stubborn-ness and the fact he's more introverted.... but we'd have so much fun making up. 

He'd still be making me smile.  I've always said that wit is my kryptonite and he is the reason I will continue to need a funny guy in my life.  He was funny in a dry witty way like no one I've ever met since.  He always could make me smile. 

He would want to stay home and chill most nights while I'd want to go out and be social a lot of the time.

He'd still be expanding my horizon with books and music that I'd never pick up without him in my life.  

I get choked up thinking about what life would be like because I know it would have been amazing.  I'm having a hard time letting go of those thoughts but I KNOW I have to. 

I wish he was mine.  I wish I could care for someone completely the way I did then.  I wish I could truly see a future with someone like I did with him.  Someday... That someone for me is out there, I just know it.  He has to be. 

"Maybe mistakes are what make our fate.... without them what would shape our lives?  Maybe if we had never veered off course we wouldn't fall in love, have babies, or be who we are.  After all, things change, people come into your life and they go.  It's comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart...."  Sex and the City

I'm the "after" girl

It seems that a lot of the guys I've dated since my divorce are now happily involved in serious relationships.  I'm the "after" girl.  After dating me, they find The One.  That's a crappy pill to swallow.  What was it about me that wasn't good enough?  What could I have done differently to make things work?  Would I have even wanted it to work?  With most of them, probably not.  With very few...maybe. 

This week has been tough for me for some strange reason.  I'm heading out of town with 3 of my best girlfriends tomorrow and I think the leading up to and packing for this little vacation has me down in the dumps.  

I'm not a little girl.  I never have been and never will be.  I will never be a size 4 no matter how much I starve myself or how often I hit the gym.  A size 4 or even 6 is never ever going to be my "norm".  Now I wouldn't say I'm a plus size girl, but I'm getting close.  I hate that.  I also hate that I don't have the time/energy to do anything about it at this point. 

BFF is on the left, IFS middle...guess who is on the right?

All 3 of my girlfriends going on this trip tomorrow are teeny tiny anexoric work out freaks (they have their own issues which is a whole 'nother post in itself).  Yeah, cuz THAT'S fun to travel with.  I hate packing when I have to try and compete with their size XS outfits.  It's driving me to drink and eat MORE out of stress and depression. 

I'd compare myself to Joan from Mad Men with a little less sex appeal (but still with the red hair).  I've got the boobs and ass, but I don't have the height so I look squishier.  Man I love that show.  Anyway....

She's purty

Coming around to the point of this post.... me wonders that maybe if I looked like one of my best friends I wouldn't still be single.  If I was a hot piece of ass and packing my toddler clothes for this weekend, would I still be stone cold single? 

I've been on Match the last couple of weeks and I've actually given it a concerted effort.  I haven't half assed it and I have even responded to a few guys who I wouldn't normally give the time of day.  I'm trying to think outside the box (that's what she said) and expand my dating horizons. 

I've actually sent a few emails of my own to end up not hearing a thing.  Crickets.  I hate rejection and don't deal well with it.  One guy was polite enough to email me back and say he wasn't interested because he didn't think "we'd be a good match".  What if I looked like the BFF?  If I was blonde, 5'5" and a size 4 would he have responded then?  Probably.  That sucks balls. 

I know these are all things I can fix if I really wanted to.  I realize I need to get off my ass and do something and stop fucking complaining.  Right now?  I just want to complain.  My blog.  My space to bitch. 

I will deal with it all eventually.  I will either make some changes or be at peace with who I am.  For now I plan on being really drunk this weekend with the girls so I don't have to think about how fat and stupid I look standing next to them.