Butterflies

"Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies" - Carrie Bradshaw SATC

  

I've been on two dates with someone in the last week or so.  While this isn't earth shattering news, the butterflies this man gives me have knocked me right on my ass. 

I need to always remember to settle for nothing less than butterflies.  I can't settle for convenience, or friendship, or good sex.  Butterflies.  All those other things will fall into place with time. 

I love this feeling.  I get a goofy grin on my face each time my phone lights up with a text from him.  I smile from ear to ear when I hear him say I'm beautiful or sexy.  I get that butterfly feeling in my stomach when he reaches across the table, touches my face and then kisses me.  To hear him say "hey darlin', I think I'm going to kiss you on New Years eve this year".  Swoon.

Who knows, this guy may not stick around.  Heck, he might not be around long enough for me to give him a name on here.  I'd love for this to work but honestly if it doesn't last that's ok, too.  I'm able to appreciate this feeling and to remember that this feeling.  What I'm feeling right now?  Exactly what I've been waiting for.  I'm worth butterflies and I'll enjoy every second of them while I can.  I wouldn't trade this feeling for anything in the world. 

Slacker

Yep.  I've been a total bloggy slacker lately. 

Here are some highlights of my life the last few weeks.

-work has been redonk lately.  We had Air Canada threaten to strike earlier in the week and now riots and transportation strikes in Athens.  Of course all these things happening around the world always have to involve one of our ships.  This weekend I'll be working a large amount of overtime.  Super.  Oh the joys of working for a luxury cruise line. 

-speaking of said cruise line.  I now have no "date" for this vacation.  Anyone interested in joining me?  Yeah.  Did I mention it is FREE (with free booze)!  You'd think it would be very easy to find a travel buddy, but surprisingly it's not.  GAH!

-The Stinker sliced the bottom of her foot open my deck the other night when she was chasing the pup around the deck.  It was a pretty deep cut.  When we called the X to tell him good night, she had to tell him about her new war wound.  She told him, "it was bad, Daddy.  I could see BRAIN"  I died.  Ded.   

-I'm pretty much single again.  I'm proud I stuck to my guns.  I love who I am these days and I love my life.  I know some day the right person will come along and make my life even better.  For the time being, I've honestly never been happier.

-The Stinker pulled her second tooth.  Yep.  She pulled it herself at after school daycare.  She must have known how much mommy despises the thought of touching teeth and saved me the grief.  She's a great kid.

Hope everyone is doing well!!  A REAL post to come soon.  I pinky swear!

Big sigh

Why does it always feel like I'm the guy in a relationship? 

I'm the one that is level headed, non dramatic, I usually don't over think things, I don't mince words, I own my own home and am generally a grown up in life, I am not overly emotional, I'm fun in the bedroom, I am very independent...

I'm not sure what it happening with Capt Ron, but I'm pretty sure what we had is falling apart.  Big time.

He's a great guy, but there are too many things working against us.  He lives an hour and a half away and while that isn't a huge distance, it doesn't work.  I can handle long distance, but he doesn't call. He doesn't text.  We go 2 weeks at a time without seeing each other and not talking much in between.  That's not what I want right now.  I'm 38 freaking years old.  I'm ready for a real relationship.     

For the first time in years I introduced someone to my daughter, my friends, my life.  I actually put pictures of us on Facebook.  I've NEVER done that with someone I've dated.  What tells me this isn't "forever" is that I'm more disappointed and sad about those things, than sad about losing him.  I don't want to be the single girl yet again.  I don't want to have to talk about how "we aren't together anymore".  The whole things sucks.

I don't want to be the dude in the relationship anymore.. I want to cry, pout, kick and scream but as usual, I won't.

Meh Puppeh!

The Stinker and I are finally going to have a new addition to our home!  After many weeks digging online and being punked by both the Humane Society and douchebags on Craigslist.  Twice.  I'm heading about an hour outside of Omaha to get our new pup tonight!  Couldn't BE more excited!!

I wanted a small-ish dog.  Something that didn't shed a ton would be great, but it wasn't a deal breaker.  Basically we wanted a sweet dog to add some fun, excitement and snuggles to our family.

I'll post pictures soon of the new addition... All two of you that read this will be in total suspense, I'm sure....

One another note, I've decided I'm pretty much done with Facebook.  I just don't have the patience anymore.  Not even because of the new stupid layout, but because the people are annoying to me.  I only have about 25-30 "real" friends on there that I actually give a shit about, and the rest of the people are jerks I went to High School with.  I'd love to go through and delete them all.  I really could care less.

I've been spending more time on Twitter where I can basically be anonymous while saying whatever is on my mind (which isn't a lot.  For some reason Twitter intimidates me, but it's fun to read other people's whacked out thoughts).  I have a crush on a couple of guys I follow, they don't know I exist, but they are FUNNY.  Nothing I love more than a funny guy.  Nothing, people.  I'd make out with a not so hot dude any day of the week if he can make me laugh.  Trust me.  Funny = pants off.  *grin*.  Anyway, Twitter is becoming much more interesting to read then stupid FB where people only post about their perfect kids, politics, or any other topic I don't really give a fuck about. 

The BFF and I are going to Jersey Boys Saturday afternoon and I'm super pumped!  I've heard amazing things about it and since I don't have a NYC trip planned any time soon, seeing it in good ol Omaha is the next best thing! 

Have a good Thursday, internets!!

Old Fart

Yep.  I'm old.  I don't usually feel it and I know most of the time I don't look it, but this week has been tough!  I turned 38 on the 13th and I'm having a tough time with that number.  It's just too damn close to FORTY!  How did this happen?  40?!?! 

The girls and I went out to my favorite little hole in the wall Mexican restuarant.  I stuffed my face and had a few margaritas - it was a good night.  For an old lady. 

Since I'm officially old and now can't form complete thoughts, eat spicy food, or control my own bladder... here are some random things happening in my world.

- I LOVE FALL!  Yep, yelling at you.  All things fall make me a very happy girl.  I love wearing sweatshirts and jeans, I love having my house decorated with my "fall stuff", I love sleeping with the windows open and waking up to a freezing house, I love fall candle and lotion flavors, I love hitting the pumpkin patch with the Stinker, I love football... LOVE LOVE LOVE. 

- The Stinker lost her first tooth the second week of Kindergarten.  I hate teeth.  I made the X come over and yank that sucker out when it was ready because there was no way in hell I was going to do it.  *shudder*  Teeth and feet are disgusting and I should never have to touch either.  Ever. 

- I've decided to stop drinking beer.  This is noteworthy because I love beer.  No, really.  I heart it.  I've always been a beer girl.  As I've gotten older drinking any kind of beer makes me feel like complete shit.  I have stomach problems on a good day, and a frothy cold one magnifies that issue by about 1000%.  It also isn't good for the waistline and well, I'm almost 40....  I should start drinking something more "grown up", right?  I emailed this fact to the BFF and her response to my email was "WTF!?!?  What's wrong with you?"  Yeah.  She's a beer drinker, too. 

- I'm in desperate need of a vacation.  For reals.  I'm hoarding vacation days like a fat kid who loves donuts because of my impending 14 night Australia cruise in January.  It's killing me.  Must.have.time.off  *le sigh*

Hope everyone has a great weekend.... The Stinker and I have big plans of doing nothing!  I'm sure there will be some drinking with friends (no beer) while the kids play.  Then after she's zonked out, mommy will lounge on the couch and cyber stalk people via facebook and twitter.  Good times had by all! 

Peace out, bitches!!

Saboteur

I can honestly say that a couple of times since I've been divorced/single I've (semi) intentionally screwed up a new relationship.  It's been awhile since I've done this, and I may not have known it at the time, but that's exactly what I did.

Perfect example is the very first person I dated after the X and I split up.  I was hardly out of the X's house before I was totally smitten with the new guy.  Hindsight is always 20/20 as we know, and I can say with complete certainty that I fucked up that relationship on purpose.  I was a hot mess from the get go.  Deep down I was in no way ready to get into something serious.  The part that sucks is that he was a really great guy.  The BFF and I have said many times over the last few years that if I'd met him now, at this point in my life, we'd be amazing together.  He was really good and I was newly single and very very bad.   

I wonder if that is what's happening in my life right now... but this time I'm not the saboteur.  Cpt Ron seems to be douche-bagging it up lately.  I wonder if he's pulling an "emily" and fucking things up because he's not ready for a real relationship.  Without getting into his person life too much, he's fresh out of a divorce and from the beginning that (and other factors) have made me a wee bit nervous.  Nervous enough to run away?  Nah... but nervous enough to take a small step back.  

Has anyone else ever done this?  Messed up your own relationship because you weren't ready for what was before you?  Do I run away or give him the time and understanding to get through all of this while I wait patiently... Decisions, decisions....

Am I dead inside?

I've had to deal with a fair amount of shadoobie in my life.   

My dad died pretty suddenly in the winter of 1999, my grandpa died December of 2007, my mom passed away the next month and then my grandma died that next October.  Yeah.  Sucks.  I'm 37 years old and I have no parents or grandparents left.  It's a pretty lonely feeling. 

I feel like after all that, I have nothing left.  Zilch in the empathy or emotion department.  I have a friend who has recently had very sick grandparents.  When she mentions it to me... I feel nothing.  I want to say, "suck it up - I've dealt with sooo much worse and kept a smile on my face"  What the fuck is wrong with me?  I'm obviously dead inside for thinking like that. 

Part of the reason I'm not with the X anymore is because he was unable to communicate about anything.  Through the death of both of my parents, grandparents, fertility issues, adopting our baby girl - he never comforted me.  He never sat down and just let me cry.  He never let me yell or scream or vent about what was happening to me.  To us.  He never hugged me and told me how bad it all sucked, but that he'd be my rock no matter what.  He never just took me out for a night and got me stinking drunk.  Nothing.  I kept everything completely bottled up and to the world I was the most well-adjusted sad person, ever. 

I wonder if that situation is why I am, the way I am.  Dealing with my dad dying was the hardest thing I've ever done.  He was my favorite person in the world.  My bright shining star.  I shut down when he got sick.  I didn't go visit half as much as I should.  I didn't call every.single.day to hear his voice and tell him how much I loved him.  I didn't go home every weekend to sit and hold his hand and watch football games with him.  I also didn't have a strong partner to tell me to get my ass in the car and go hug my dad.  

I don't know how to be supportive for my friend.  I want to be the friend for her that she was for me when I dealt with my losses.  I hate that I can't be strong enough for both of us.