Letting go....

This is an older post that I had sitting in drafts.... Don't feel quite as raw as when I wrote this, but I do still wonder about him.....


I'm having a terrible time letting go of something.  More specifically letting go of someone. 

I don't know how to do this and the someone is not making it any easier.  Why would he contact me if he's happily with someone else?  Why me and why now?   It's been over 3 years since we so abruptly ended our relationship.  Why would he admit he thinks about me often when he's with her? 

I keep thinking about "what if's" and I can't help but wonder if he's thinking the same thing. 

What if he was still in my life?  What would it be like?

I think we'd be happily co-habitating under one roof and loving life.  We'd have 3 kids, two dogs and a whole lotta love. 

I'd be driving him nuts with my short temper and sassiness, he'd be bugging me with his stubborn-ness and the fact he's more introverted.... but we'd have so much fun making up. 

He'd still be making me smile.  I've always said that wit is my kryptonite and he is the reason I will continue to need a funny guy in my life.  He was funny in a dry witty way like no one I've ever met since.  He always could make me smile. 

He would want to stay home and chill most nights while I'd want to go out and be social a lot of the time.

He'd still be expanding my horizon with books and music that I'd never pick up without him in my life.  

I get choked up thinking about what life would be like because I know it would have been amazing.  I'm having a hard time letting go of those thoughts but I KNOW I have to. 

I wish he was mine.  I wish I could care for someone completely the way I did then.  I wish I could truly see a future with someone like I did with him.  Someday... That someone for me is out there, I just know it.  He has to be. 

"Maybe mistakes are what make our fate.... without them what would shape our lives?  Maybe if we had never veered off course we wouldn't fall in love, have babies, or be who we are.  After all, things change, people come into your life and they go.  It's comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart...."  Sex and the City

I'm the "after" girl

It seems that a lot of the guys I've dated since my divorce are now happily involved in serious relationships.  I'm the "after" girl.  After dating me, they find The One.  That's a crappy pill to swallow.  What was it about me that wasn't good enough?  What could I have done differently to make things work?  Would I have even wanted it to work?  With most of them, probably not.  With very few...maybe. 

This week has been tough for me for some strange reason.  I'm heading out of town with 3 of my best girlfriends tomorrow and I think the leading up to and packing for this little vacation has me down in the dumps.  

I'm not a little girl.  I never have been and never will be.  I will never be a size 4 no matter how much I starve myself or how often I hit the gym.  A size 4 or even 6 is never ever going to be my "norm".  Now I wouldn't say I'm a plus size girl, but I'm getting close.  I hate that.  I also hate that I don't have the time/energy to do anything about it at this point. 

BFF is on the left, IFS middle...guess who is on the right?

All 3 of my girlfriends going on this trip tomorrow are teeny tiny anexoric work out freaks (they have their own issues which is a whole 'nother post in itself).  Yeah, cuz THAT'S fun to travel with.  I hate packing when I have to try and compete with their size XS outfits.  It's driving me to drink and eat MORE out of stress and depression. 

I'd compare myself to Joan from Mad Men with a little less sex appeal (but still with the red hair).  I've got the boobs and ass, but I don't have the height so I look squishier.  Man I love that show.  Anyway....

She's purty

Coming around to the point of this post.... me wonders that maybe if I looked like one of my best friends I wouldn't still be single.  If I was a hot piece of ass and packing my toddler clothes for this weekend, would I still be stone cold single? 

I've been on Match the last couple of weeks and I've actually given it a concerted effort.  I haven't half assed it and I have even responded to a few guys who I wouldn't normally give the time of day.  I'm trying to think outside the box (that's what she said) and expand my dating horizons. 

I've actually sent a few emails of my own to end up not hearing a thing.  Crickets.  I hate rejection and don't deal well with it.  One guy was polite enough to email me back and say he wasn't interested because he didn't think "we'd be a good match".  What if I looked like the BFF?  If I was blonde, 5'5" and a size 4 would he have responded then?  Probably.  That sucks balls. 

I know these are all things I can fix if I really wanted to.  I realize I need to get off my ass and do something and stop fucking complaining.  Right now?  I just want to complain.  My blog.  My space to bitch. 

I will deal with it all eventually.  I will either make some changes or be at peace with who I am.  For now I plan on being really drunk this weekend with the girls so I don't have to think about how fat and stupid I look standing next to them. 

Why do I do this to myself?

I recently got back from my yearly cruise, and this time I took my aunt with me.  She's always been my one of my favorite people and we had such a great time.  While drinking (free) booze for 12 days in the British Isles, there were quite a few "deep thoughts" type conversations about my current life and where I am right now. 

She talked me into signing up for Match.com again as I shouldn't just give up on finding someone.  I'm more apt to buy 10 cats and call it a day, but deep down I would like to not die alone with said cats eating my face.  BUT I don't feel like dealing with the shiz that comes with online dating to find him.  I want "him" to fall from the sky happily into my lap.  Heh.  Should be easy peasy, right?  


  
I have turned into a picky girl in my old age so here are some requirements for my search this time around on Match.  Yes.  These are real profile pictures from dudes in my area.  I'm a lucky girl. 

1.  I'm almost 39 years old.  If you are of the same age group and have a beer in your hand in every photo you might need to skip on over to the AA site.  I'm a girl who loves to drink, but I'm getting a bit old to have every.single.picture of myself with a cocktail in hand. 



2.  If you have pictures of yourself climbing a mountain or you mention that you love to camp and hunt every weekend, I'm probably not interested.  I'm a very outgoing girl and I'll try anything once, but I love a nice hotel with a warm bed. 



I know this picture doesn't match what I just said, but it still cracked me up.  He's by a tree.  Close enough to camping. 

3.  If all of your profile pictures are of you shirtless with washboard abs - no thanks.  While you are nice to look at I'm guessing you might have a small wiener so I'm out. 



4.  If your main profile photo is you in any kind of uniform, pilot, military, medical, firefighter, police office.... I'll marry you NOW.     

5.  If I recognize your profile from last year when I really gave this Match.com thing a shot you might have some issues.  I realize you could say the same about me since I'm back as well, but I'm the boss and it's weird. 

6.  If this is your main profile picture.  I don't believe you.



7.  If you have no photos of yourself besides the dreaded bathroom self portrait, no thanks!  I also don't want 400 pictures of your dog, your house, your landscaping, your car, ect..  You should have at least one non bathroom photo that someone else took for you in a social setting.  I don't think that's asking too much?

8.  If you almost 40 years old and your profile says "four kids who live away from home" and you've "never been married" I'm probably not interested.  Just sayin. 

9.  If you have a Olan Mills or Glamour Shot photo as your main profile picture I'm pretty sure you might also have some bodies buried in your backyard.  CREEPY! 



(The BFF and I are still laughing about this one.  He "winked" at me yesterday.  Yep.) 

Wish me good luck.  I'm going to fucking need it.